2009

My grandmother passed away yesterday. In a way, my trip to Arizona hints that the inner workings of the universe are not a bunch of random occurrences thrown together, rather, they happen for specific reasons and because certain links are present, for which the enrichment of our lives can be seen as... at the very least, a side result.

The actual trip was a result of a desire to go visit my grandmother as I hadn't seen her a few years. After my grandfather passed away Veteran's day of 2003, I had been reunited with my mother's family; a family that I thought had more or less excommunicated me and had not seen for a period of nearly 10 years. After handing out my number (and not getting any in return as my mother's family is huge), I never heard from them again. At some point a year or two down the line, we visited my grandmother who had been bouncing around from family member to family member and she seemed to be doing fine. Several years pass and I graduate college (as noted in my previous posts), and finding and visiting the grandmother seemed like a good idea with me being unemployed and all. While I had wanted to go during December of 2008, my parents and I set January 3, 2009 to be the day we were to go to meet their rather busy schedules. Due to yet another scheduling conflict the date got pushed back to New Years. At one point after Christmas, I wasn't even sure if we were going to go as my family was undergoing some domestic problems and we just happened to solve them in time to make the trip happen.

New Years Eve, I got out of a party early so I could catch an hour or two of sleep before making the journey back to what I like to call the 'homeland' as Arizona holds a rather special place in my heart. I gave a short prayer to Buddha at 2:30am, and we set out. We did the usual. Visited my old home, which is now an empty lot in a rural town full of ridiculously large yards. Our neighbor and close family friend had become doting grandparents over the course of 2008. We visited my mother. My Aunt and Uncle were healthy... and as we were closing our extended lunch (we were supposed to finish by 2pm, but lunch lasted till 4pm), my mom and I figured we didn't have enough time to find my grandmother as the day had passed, and we needed to be back in California that day. The moment we step out of the restaurant to part with my aunt and uncle, my dad gets the phone call. She had passed away early that morning, at about 2am (remember when this whole journey began?).

At this point I was really fatigued from all the driving. There had been a nasty car accident right by my house that morning, and dealing with Arizona traffic and unfamiliar terrain, along with my dad was a taxing event. We dropped back by my aunt and uncle's place, as my parents were both wearing red in celebration for New Years before heading to my mother's family's place. There were a few notable emotions amongst the emotional torrent that strikes a person when someone dies. The first was regret. Regret that I had failed as a grandson. I didn't quite feel this when my grandfather passed away as at that time my view on that side of the family was different. My indifference to his passing was a result of ignorance or a sort of denial that I was part of their family. After that event, I had made the decision that his surviving wife should see her grandson from time to time, even if that grandson was one among many grandchildren, and one who's connection to the family had largely been neglected for at the time of this writing, about 15 years (to be fair, I am probably the grandchild that most resembles her daughter as I got my looks from my mother, who I assume got her looks from her father as we look nothing like my grandmother). What hurt the most was that I had come a day too late. The second notable emotion was a small flame of anger; anger at the family for not encouraging me to visit her sooner as a sign that she might die at any time. In retrospect this anger was unjustified as I had assumed her cause of death was illness, which it was not.

Needless to say, this was the most emotional I've been since... I don't know when to be honest. Not to sound heartless or anything, but I was not as emotional about the passing of my grandfather in 2007. He was a great man whom I deeply respect and love, but I did not feel the need to feel regret or grief about this loss. He had lived a fulfilled and for the most part happy life and I had taken every effort to be a part of that, and while his passing was certainly sad and a loss to this part of my family, one that my generation of cousins have not really felt before, I could only appreciate that he had died naturally in a dignified manner with little suffering on everyone's part. In his case, he lives on in his survivors, ie. me. Unfortunately, that is not really the case for my late grandmother.

Thinking about it, I no longer have a direct blood connection to this family, and in that sense, this may be my last opportunity to reclaim my position as the 4th grandson. As small a position as it may be, it is the symbol of my heritage, my root as a human being. Perhaps in reclaiming this part of my identity, I can revive more memories of my ancestry, mostly, memories of my dearly departed mother. I leave for Arizona on the 4th.


Moving on to a lighter note... I guess I'll put up my New Years Resolution... we'll see how much of it I can keep.

Exercise more
Meditate more
Eat better
Play more Taiko
Get a job
Get a girlfriend
Study more
Write more

I'll refine them later... =P