Looking back on my life... it seems there have been a few constants. The sort of loneliness that corrodes the soul is something I'll probably have to live with for the rest of my life. I think I'm up to it.
The other is dreams of my attempts at flying. I think I'm getting better at the idea. I used to be horrible at it. But its such a great feeling... I don't think I'll ever stop trying.
And of course... the dreams of complicated buildings and infrastructure that I use to run and hide from 'that organization' that's out to get me. Ironically enough, I work for one of the largest organizations in the world now. I wonder if its a premonition. If it ever happens outside of my dreams... they should make a movie about me... with choreographed kung fu fights (I'll use my beginner's wushu and wing chun kuen), and CG special effects. Just don't give me a sidekick... I don't need comic relief... it'll unmake the cathartic end.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
More Flying
This time, mix in a little smallville. Its fun dreaming like you're superman. Less fun when you're on the run... again. Lot of ocean... jumping from rooftop to rooftop... running on water... moving super fast... invincibility... but flying really isn't all its cracked up to be. You get horrible agility. I flew into a mountain because i was going too fast and couldn't get out of the way.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The Power of Flight
Its been awhile, but I had the attempt to fly dream again. This time work kind of seeped into the dream where I wandered from lab to lab. I felt like a spy in some instances, granted I don't know what exactly I was spying on since I didn't actually do anything but run around, talk to people, and attempt to fly. Like always, I tried to get the speed needed to obtain flight, but gravity... well gravity's a hard opponent to beat. I caught a few good ones though. Its stressful running away from someone and having an unreliable mode of escape though.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
To my friends aspiring to become lawyers...
Don't sell your soul. I beg of you.
Michael. Dear Michael. Of course it’s you, who else could they send, who else could be trusted? I… I know it’s a long way and you’re ready to go to work… all I’m saying is just wait, just… just please just hear me out because this is not an episode, relapse, fuck-up, it’s… I’m begging you Michael. I’m begging you. Try to make believe this is not just madness because this is not just madness. Two weeks ago I came out of the building ok, I’m running across 6th avenue there’s a car waiting, I’ve got exactly 38 minutes to get to the airport and I’m dictating. There’s this panicked associate sprinting along beside me, scribbling in a notepad, and suddenly she starts screaming, and I realize we’re standing in the middle of the street, the light’s changed, there’s this wall of traffic, serious traffic speeding towards us, and I… I freeze, I can’t move, and I’m suddenly consumed with the overwhelming sensation that I’m covered in some sort of film. It’s in my hair, my face… it’s like a glaze… like a... a coating, and… at first I thought, oh my god, I know what this is, this is some sort of amniotic - embryonic - fluid. I’m drenched in afterbirth, I’ve breached the chrysalis, I’ve been reborn. But then the traffic, the stampede, the cars, the trucks, the horns, the screaming and I’m thinking no-no-no, reset, this is not rebirth, this is some kind of giddy illusion of renewal that happens in the final moment before death. And then I realize no-no-no, this is completely wrong because I look back at the building and I had the most stunning moment of clarity. I… I… I realized Michael, that I had emerged not from the doors of Kenner, Bach & Ledeen, not through the portals of our vast and powerful law firm, but from the asshole of an organism who’s sole function is to excrete the… the… the poison, the ammo, the defoliant necessary for other, larger, more powerful organisms to destroy the miracle of humanity. And that I had been coated in this patina of shit for the best part of my life. The stench of it and the sting of it would in all likelihood take the rest of my life to undue. And you know what I did? I took a deep cleansing breath and I set that notion aside. I tabled it. I said to myself as clear as this may be, as potent a feeling as this is, as true a thing as I believe I witnessed today, it must wait. It must stand the test of time, and Michael, the time is now.
Michael. Dear Michael. Of course it’s you, who else could they send, who else could be trusted? I… I know it’s a long way and you’re ready to go to work… all I’m saying is just wait, just… just please just hear me out because this is not an episode, relapse, fuck-up, it’s… I’m begging you Michael. I’m begging you. Try to make believe this is not just madness because this is not just madness. Two weeks ago I came out of the building ok, I’m running across 6th avenue there’s a car waiting, I’ve got exactly 38 minutes to get to the airport and I’m dictating. There’s this panicked associate sprinting along beside me, scribbling in a notepad, and suddenly she starts screaming, and I realize we’re standing in the middle of the street, the light’s changed, there’s this wall of traffic, serious traffic speeding towards us, and I… I freeze, I can’t move, and I’m suddenly consumed with the overwhelming sensation that I’m covered in some sort of film. It’s in my hair, my face… it’s like a glaze… like a... a coating, and… at first I thought, oh my god, I know what this is, this is some sort of amniotic - embryonic - fluid. I’m drenched in afterbirth, I’ve breached the chrysalis, I’ve been reborn. But then the traffic, the stampede, the cars, the trucks, the horns, the screaming and I’m thinking no-no-no, reset, this is not rebirth, this is some kind of giddy illusion of renewal that happens in the final moment before death. And then I realize no-no-no, this is completely wrong because I look back at the building and I had the most stunning moment of clarity. I… I… I realized Michael, that I had emerged not from the doors of Kenner, Bach & Ledeen, not through the portals of our vast and powerful law firm, but from the asshole of an organism who’s sole function is to excrete the… the… the poison, the ammo, the defoliant necessary for other, larger, more powerful organisms to destroy the miracle of humanity. And that I had been coated in this patina of shit for the best part of my life. The stench of it and the sting of it would in all likelihood take the rest of my life to undue. And you know what I did? I took a deep cleansing breath and I set that notion aside. I tabled it. I said to myself as clear as this may be, as potent a feeling as this is, as true a thing as I believe I witnessed today, it must wait. It must stand the test of time, and Michael, the time is now.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Nights where you want to cry yourself to sleep
Well... maybe not that bad... but yeah, its been awhile since I've felt this shitty emotionally. I think on the outside I might be okay... but there seems to be a lot of inner turbulence. Things have been so busy and fulfilling these few months, so I'm not sure what's going on or even when the last time I had this feeling was. Its a lot of negativity I wish I didn't have... sleeping usually solves the problem, so good night world.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The fairer sex?
Thanks Puneet. This is an interesting article.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/my-brief-life-as-a-woman/
and a link found rummaging through the comments
http://happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/24/the-good-guy-contract/#more-2253
and the specific blog post that makes me want to read this guys blog more and more...
http://happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/24/the-good-guy-contract/#more-2253
It's a worthwhile read. Something I took to heart at the last taiko conference was when Shoji Kameda was talking about putting on concerts and dealing with the person he usually goes to for lighting because she's really good. He'd often get into arguments with her about the way things happen, but this is something that should be relished. Some people are hard to work with because they have a specific vision of how to do thing and are less willing to let people push them around. There are typically two types of people we tend to like to deal with: People that are good at what they do... and nice people. There are people that can be neither... but they don't really apply to this particular situation. So yeah... which would you rather be?
It doesn't mean that the two are mutually exclusive... but there will be times as discussed in the blog post where being nice will conflict with your best interests whatever that may be. Do you just cave into the people pleasing state or do you grow a backbone and stick up for what you need to?
I suppose its pretty obvious where I stand on the issue... but like everything, I am still human... I find myself in the same position as the end of that article: having to find the courage to grit my teeth and be a jerk for real (I play the jerk all the freaking time =P since its kinda in my nature to do so but that weak self-esteem still pops up from time to time)
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/my-brief-life-as-a-woman/
and a link found rummaging through the comments
http://happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/24/the-good-guy-contract/#more-2253
and the specific blog post that makes me want to read this guys blog more and more...
http://happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/24/the-good-guy-contract/#more-2253
It's a worthwhile read. Something I took to heart at the last taiko conference was when Shoji Kameda was talking about putting on concerts and dealing with the person he usually goes to for lighting because she's really good. He'd often get into arguments with her about the way things happen, but this is something that should be relished. Some people are hard to work with because they have a specific vision of how to do thing and are less willing to let people push them around. There are typically two types of people we tend to like to deal with: People that are good at what they do... and nice people. There are people that can be neither... but they don't really apply to this particular situation. So yeah... which would you rather be?
It doesn't mean that the two are mutually exclusive... but there will be times as discussed in the blog post where being nice will conflict with your best interests whatever that may be. Do you just cave into the people pleasing state or do you grow a backbone and stick up for what you need to?
I suppose its pretty obvious where I stand on the issue... but like everything, I am still human... I find myself in the same position as the end of that article: having to find the courage to grit my teeth and be a jerk for real (I play the jerk all the freaking time =P since its kinda in my nature to do so but that weak self-esteem still pops up from time to time)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Resolution Month 5 Report
Sorry for disappearing these past few weeks. The adult life is kind of limited when you submit the majority of your waking hours to The Man. This is the progress report and update to the New Years resolutions I submitted back in January. I guess most people forget about these kind of things once the year gets underway, but I've been establishing some metrics to get a feel for how successful I've been. Things have changed a bit since January, so things have been added and things have been removed. Things that have been removed are no longer here because either I've accomplished the task, the task is no longer applicable, or the public domain status of the item has been placed under scrutiny. Now that the boring talk is out of way, let's get to the meat of the discussion:
1. Sleeping Hours
Done. Pared my sleeping hours back to a regular 8 hour nominal per night. Things get a little messy when accommodating for taiko practice since I get home from practice around 11 and need to be up for work the next morning at 6... but things are working out atm.
2. Study Goals
Stalled. I'm long overdue on ALL of the 600 kanji that I managed to shovel through the Heisig method. I hope to be starting that up again. Pimsleur is also stalled somewhere around the second lesson set. GRE hasn't gone anywhere either. =/ I'm hoping to get Heisig and Pimsleur back off the ground. The good news is I found some good Japanese language partners. Now I need to work on my Chinese so that I'll have more things to offer to the discussion table.
3. Physical
Starting to get back underway. My arms have completely recovered from the pull-up death I experienced a few months back. I gotta get back into running and work on the abs. The latter is kinda important for playing Yatai moreso than aesthetic appeal. The pull ups are purely aesthetic though ha ha... as long as the lats don't get in the way of taiko I should be good.
As for running, there seems to be a good running community at work. Part of it is because I work in one of the most beautiful (and exclusive...) parts of San Diego ^__^. Might as well make good use of the area.
4. Weight
Stable is good.
5. Daily Planner
FAIL. Fortunately the calendar system is still up and running. That is getting me through my day to day.
6. Meditation
This has kind of fallen on the back burner. Things have been super busy since work started but maybe in the near future I can find a few good spots at work to do battle with my mind.
7. Eating
Things have been much better especially with the structure of work. I kind of have to eat at specific times otherwise I won't get much of a chance to eat at all and have to deal with being hungry. One thing I need to do is cook more... and by cook, I mean properly cook as opposed to my usual task of making raw foods not raw anymore.
8. Taiko
I'm nearing the end of this unexpected Taiko Month. I kinda got tossed into it where I interacted with the taiko community like 9 days straight which then tapered off into into something like 4~5 times a week from practices to concerts to attend. The best part... I don't have to perform so the pressure is real light. Things are looking up for me in the Taiko world. I found a fue mentor. My goal with fue is to be able to play it like the way I whistle and sing. That will probably take a long long time... but... it should be good. The taiko part should be just as good too.
Project 59... my first song... Hopefully I can actually pull through with one this time ha ha! Maybe I should try writing something a little easier first... =/
I finally have a good practice pad. If anyone wants one, I can make them one. I think cost in terms of material and labor should be around $5.
9. Writing
heh... that's suffered lately just as much as my studies. I really need to get these letters and packages to Japan. I also need to re-establish contact with people not only over there... but on this side of the Pacific as well. Sigh...
I guess a part of that will be stabilizing my operating systems both on my blackberry and my laptop.
10. OS
Finally found a pretty decent solution to my computing. CCRMA on Fedora 10. I have to compile SAGE from source, but hey... if I can get everything under one roof... It means I'll be far more likely to actually use all the software I want to use. So what if the nay-sayers think Fedora is an unstable and experimental POS. Atleast I can do what I want and not have to worry about latency issues and configuration issues... and the show stopper of them all: random kernel freezes. I don't think i'll ever go back to windows for my personal computing. Not when I can get thousands of dollars worth of software for free without the whole pirating issue nagging my back.
So I gotta get Fedora into a more permanent set up configured to taste. My Blackberry also needs to be upgraded. Hopefully I can get Japanese input working on the damn thing. We'll see though I guess.
11. Recording
I've gotten into the habit of recording all my expenditures. Its helped me determine where my weak points are in terms of finance and has increased the transparency to the whole 'where the hell does all my money go' conundrum. Mint.com and relegating most of my expenses to credit cards help a lot... but the use of cash is also an issue which is why I do the recording by hand. I need to figure out a good system for dealing with receipts (keep them? or shred them? How to organize?). I'm trying to do this with taiko as well so that I can monitor the minutes that I throw at various aspects of the artform. I don't know what I'll get out of recording the amount of practice I toss at something, but I'm sure it'll be useful at some point. Just the act itself should be sufficient because it prioritizes my intentions.
12. Math and Physics
I really need to brush up. This might couple into 'Study' but this kind of warrants its own point. I've spent too much time outside of the math world... Granted I never really completely stepped into it, I think there is a lot to gain from modelling. This doesn't just apply to work and my technical expertise, but stuff like Taiko too. If I could model the way a drum head vibrates (it uses a 2 dimensional J-Bessel function for an infinitesimally thin membrane if I remember right) and parameterize the strike point, you can predict the different types of sounds you should be able to hear. This would be pretty useful for Kris' whole theory behind Shime... or heck... any drum... becoming a sort of melodic instrument.
13. Graduate School
For anyone that's talked to me about work in any sort of depth... I've probably been flipping back and forth between a buttload of general issues regarding career path and graduate school. The latest argument seems to predict a return to UCSD for a PhD. I don't know when it will happen and how Taiko will fit into the picture then... but it looks like I'll be in San Diego for a LONG LONG time.
All in all... life is starting to stabilize again. With this stability comes the ability to branch out a bit more and re-establish those niche parts of my life that got uprooted when I left for Japan and subsequently got a job. I sorely miss the experience that I had over there... but there are plenty of adventures to be had on this side of the Pacific too!
1. Sleeping Hours
Done. Pared my sleeping hours back to a regular 8 hour nominal per night. Things get a little messy when accommodating for taiko practice since I get home from practice around 11 and need to be up for work the next morning at 6... but things are working out atm.
2. Study Goals
Stalled. I'm long overdue on ALL of the 600 kanji that I managed to shovel through the Heisig method. I hope to be starting that up again. Pimsleur is also stalled somewhere around the second lesson set. GRE hasn't gone anywhere either. =/ I'm hoping to get Heisig and Pimsleur back off the ground. The good news is I found some good Japanese language partners. Now I need to work on my Chinese so that I'll have more things to offer to the discussion table.
3. Physical
Starting to get back underway. My arms have completely recovered from the pull-up death I experienced a few months back. I gotta get back into running and work on the abs. The latter is kinda important for playing Yatai moreso than aesthetic appeal. The pull ups are purely aesthetic though ha ha... as long as the lats don't get in the way of taiko I should be good.
As for running, there seems to be a good running community at work. Part of it is because I work in one of the most beautiful (and exclusive...) parts of San Diego ^__^. Might as well make good use of the area.
4. Weight
Stable is good.
5. Daily Planner
FAIL. Fortunately the calendar system is still up and running. That is getting me through my day to day.
6. Meditation
This has kind of fallen on the back burner. Things have been super busy since work started but maybe in the near future I can find a few good spots at work to do battle with my mind.
7. Eating
Things have been much better especially with the structure of work. I kind of have to eat at specific times otherwise I won't get much of a chance to eat at all and have to deal with being hungry. One thing I need to do is cook more... and by cook, I mean properly cook as opposed to my usual task of making raw foods not raw anymore.
8. Taiko
I'm nearing the end of this unexpected Taiko Month. I kinda got tossed into it where I interacted with the taiko community like 9 days straight which then tapered off into into something like 4~5 times a week from practices to concerts to attend. The best part... I don't have to perform so the pressure is real light. Things are looking up for me in the Taiko world. I found a fue mentor. My goal with fue is to be able to play it like the way I whistle and sing. That will probably take a long long time... but... it should be good. The taiko part should be just as good too.
Project 59... my first song... Hopefully I can actually pull through with one this time ha ha! Maybe I should try writing something a little easier first... =/
I finally have a good practice pad. If anyone wants one, I can make them one. I think cost in terms of material and labor should be around $5.
9. Writing
heh... that's suffered lately just as much as my studies. I really need to get these letters and packages to Japan. I also need to re-establish contact with people not only over there... but on this side of the Pacific as well. Sigh...
I guess a part of that will be stabilizing my operating systems both on my blackberry and my laptop.
10. OS
Finally found a pretty decent solution to my computing. CCRMA on Fedora 10. I have to compile SAGE from source, but hey... if I can get everything under one roof... It means I'll be far more likely to actually use all the software I want to use. So what if the nay-sayers think Fedora is an unstable and experimental POS. Atleast I can do what I want and not have to worry about latency issues and configuration issues... and the show stopper of them all: random kernel freezes. I don't think i'll ever go back to windows for my personal computing. Not when I can get thousands of dollars worth of software for free without the whole pirating issue nagging my back.
So I gotta get Fedora into a more permanent set up configured to taste. My Blackberry also needs to be upgraded. Hopefully I can get Japanese input working on the damn thing. We'll see though I guess.
11. Recording
I've gotten into the habit of recording all my expenditures. Its helped me determine where my weak points are in terms of finance and has increased the transparency to the whole 'where the hell does all my money go' conundrum. Mint.com and relegating most of my expenses to credit cards help a lot... but the use of cash is also an issue which is why I do the recording by hand. I need to figure out a good system for dealing with receipts (keep them? or shred them? How to organize?). I'm trying to do this with taiko as well so that I can monitor the minutes that I throw at various aspects of the artform. I don't know what I'll get out of recording the amount of practice I toss at something, but I'm sure it'll be useful at some point. Just the act itself should be sufficient because it prioritizes my intentions.
12. Math and Physics
I really need to brush up. This might couple into 'Study' but this kind of warrants its own point. I've spent too much time outside of the math world... Granted I never really completely stepped into it, I think there is a lot to gain from modelling. This doesn't just apply to work and my technical expertise, but stuff like Taiko too. If I could model the way a drum head vibrates (it uses a 2 dimensional J-Bessel function for an infinitesimally thin membrane if I remember right) and parameterize the strike point, you can predict the different types of sounds you should be able to hear. This would be pretty useful for Kris' whole theory behind Shime... or heck... any drum... becoming a sort of melodic instrument.
13. Graduate School
For anyone that's talked to me about work in any sort of depth... I've probably been flipping back and forth between a buttload of general issues regarding career path and graduate school. The latest argument seems to predict a return to UCSD for a PhD. I don't know when it will happen and how Taiko will fit into the picture then... but it looks like I'll be in San Diego for a LONG LONG time.
All in all... life is starting to stabilize again. With this stability comes the ability to branch out a bit more and re-establish those niche parts of my life that got uprooted when I left for Japan and subsequently got a job. I sorely miss the experience that I had over there... but there are plenty of adventures to be had on this side of the Pacific too!
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