heh... what a serious sounding title, but really i don't know what to call this because I just felt like jotting down some of today's thoughts because i need to share (I've spent way too much time by myself and in the lab the last few days)
Last night I one of the scariest and most comical nightmares ever... I got shot at by communists while I was driving in Mission bay. I also got the angry why the hell did you sleep right after you ate a big greasy meal twice in the last 36 hours too. I think sleeping right after eating gives me nightmares and makes me wake up feeling bloated... so for you kiddies that like doing that, I'd suggest you stop before it become a habit because when you get old like me... it won't be pretty.
Some additional thoughts. I have this pipe dream of getting a job doing real research in Japan... I don't know why I stick by it or why I even share such an unlikely dream with the people I come across, but I do... It probably makes me seem really ungrounded which can be dangerous for an engineer.
I'm not sure what the future has in store for me anymore. I feel really outclassed by my peers even in the realm of research... I'm not really sure how I'm going to succeed and its scary, but we'll see, really the only thing I can do (I think) is stride forward with my eyes open and take in as much as I can. I might get lucky.
meh... had a long talk with mitch about taiko... but that can be saved for later or a more direct interaction with the group... I just got busy reading abstracts for this upcoming convention I want to go to... later.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Burned
I think my body and brain just punished me for getting a little too excited over work. I was only half awake for most of the morning. Played some taiko, and ate a lonely lunch at Sakura's... came back with a small food coma (I actually ate the whole bento... its crazy i know) and passed out for a few hours... time for work... although the chirashi is punishing me for eating and sleeping too... so uncomfortable.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
And why do people fall, Bruce?
I had a surprise talk with Shadi today about the time I've spent at the Wang lab. One of the things that we covered was recognizing, acknowledging, and then analyzing the quality of my research experience and to be short, the experience was rather unsatisfying.
One thing that would have helped a lot would have been getting more aide from my mentor and my peers... especially my peers. Its one thing that I have avoided my entire stay at UCSD and it has certainly been a detriment to the quality of education I have received. Another thing would be to have followed someone's footsteps for much longer than I did, but that goes hand in hand with the whole getting help.
There is obviously a lot more to the 45 minute talk that we had, but they were topics that I've covered before with people, how to deal with this feeling of being lost. Staying on track with research oriented goals and keeping in contact with the research community when I'm out in the industry will be essential to keeping me on this track. Going into industry is dangerous to my research path. At the stage that I'm in where I don't have a clear goal to pursue, a clear field that I can call home, I am not willing to waste my time hopping from department to department or settling into a topic that I can't be passionate about.
I learned a few things today. 1. Keep in contact with people that can and will help me. They are my lifeline to staying afloat especially after taking my maverick personality into account. 2. Don't lose sight of my ambition and the reasons for whatever my vision is. 3. Take graduate level courses through extension or whatever to keep my scholastic edge sharp. 4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I've been trying to diminish my ego over these years. Its funny how I still get these random flare ups. Rather, its something that I'm still struggling to control, this whole inability to seek advice and aide in the things that really count. Fortunately things are improving... but sometimes I look back and think... fuck why didn't I see it?
Some things I need to do: Initiate contact with the study center in Japan to talk about the possibility of doing a maverick research project completely outside of science. Also, keep in contact with Joe Esherick, and keep him posted on my studies of Lu Xun. Talk to Paul Yu about pairing up with a professor in optics at Tohoku. I'm not supposed to be able to pick a group to join, but perhaps I can talk to some faculty to swing me into their group so I can make the most of my stay there and improve my chances of actually accomplishing something meaningful in my field during my short stay there. Talk to Daniel Arovas about the paper that I am a part of. See where its at and really make an effort in getting the damn thing published. I might have to deal with his weariness and criticism of me, but every relationship has its rough spots to work out, and this is no different. Lastly, I am starting to feel lost with my current project. With my two mentors currently unavailable, I have some sense of what I need to do, but the timeline is not set or structured. I need to talk to them about it even if I can't get a good report about how things are going at the moment. Lastly, another resource would be Professor Driscoll. Asking about the transition from theoretical physics to experimental physics, and more importantly, how to deal with the dangers of over-diversification.
Outside of research, I'm dealing with tying up loose ends in San Diego. I may or may not come back. My pipedream of finding work in Japan seems dim. After talking to Larry, Japan probably isn't a good fit for me in terms of a career. His view of industry in Japan is very production oriented and invariably bureaucratic, and I'll most likely suffer from that type of environment. I might get lucky, but the chances of me finding something viable has become even smaller. Lastly... I haven't completely given up on my love life in San Diego yet... but given the situation of every other aspect of my life right now... my departure from the states without romantic ties seems likely. Perhaps this is for the better.
One thing that would have helped a lot would have been getting more aide from my mentor and my peers... especially my peers. Its one thing that I have avoided my entire stay at UCSD and it has certainly been a detriment to the quality of education I have received. Another thing would be to have followed someone's footsteps for much longer than I did, but that goes hand in hand with the whole getting help.
There is obviously a lot more to the 45 minute talk that we had, but they were topics that I've covered before with people, how to deal with this feeling of being lost. Staying on track with research oriented goals and keeping in contact with the research community when I'm out in the industry will be essential to keeping me on this track. Going into industry is dangerous to my research path. At the stage that I'm in where I don't have a clear goal to pursue, a clear field that I can call home, I am not willing to waste my time hopping from department to department or settling into a topic that I can't be passionate about.
I learned a few things today. 1. Keep in contact with people that can and will help me. They are my lifeline to staying afloat especially after taking my maverick personality into account. 2. Don't lose sight of my ambition and the reasons for whatever my vision is. 3. Take graduate level courses through extension or whatever to keep my scholastic edge sharp. 4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I've been trying to diminish my ego over these years. Its funny how I still get these random flare ups. Rather, its something that I'm still struggling to control, this whole inability to seek advice and aide in the things that really count. Fortunately things are improving... but sometimes I look back and think... fuck why didn't I see it?
Some things I need to do: Initiate contact with the study center in Japan to talk about the possibility of doing a maverick research project completely outside of science. Also, keep in contact with Joe Esherick, and keep him posted on my studies of Lu Xun. Talk to Paul Yu about pairing up with a professor in optics at Tohoku. I'm not supposed to be able to pick a group to join, but perhaps I can talk to some faculty to swing me into their group so I can make the most of my stay there and improve my chances of actually accomplishing something meaningful in my field during my short stay there. Talk to Daniel Arovas about the paper that I am a part of. See where its at and really make an effort in getting the damn thing published. I might have to deal with his weariness and criticism of me, but every relationship has its rough spots to work out, and this is no different. Lastly, I am starting to feel lost with my current project. With my two mentors currently unavailable, I have some sense of what I need to do, but the timeline is not set or structured. I need to talk to them about it even if I can't get a good report about how things are going at the moment. Lastly, another resource would be Professor Driscoll. Asking about the transition from theoretical physics to experimental physics, and more importantly, how to deal with the dangers of over-diversification.
Outside of research, I'm dealing with tying up loose ends in San Diego. I may or may not come back. My pipedream of finding work in Japan seems dim. After talking to Larry, Japan probably isn't a good fit for me in terms of a career. His view of industry in Japan is very production oriented and invariably bureaucratic, and I'll most likely suffer from that type of environment. I might get lucky, but the chances of me finding something viable has become even smaller. Lastly... I haven't completely given up on my love life in San Diego yet... but given the situation of every other aspect of my life right now... my departure from the states without romantic ties seems likely. Perhaps this is for the better.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
The New Year
A thought just occurred to me. Maybe its meaningless.
Last year was all about coping with what was a tumultuous year. This year seems to be more about patience. To be able to relate with people with even less ego than before. Certain events last year made my personality more abrasive, more ready to fight, and more likely to not like what I hear.
Its starting to affect the way I relate to people and I can't say I'm a fan of the change. Not like having an upfront personality is a bad thing, but I'm starting to lose the ability to listen to people. Granted I haven't been very good at it from the start, but I'd like to say I have been improving and I'd rather not regress to my anti-social self pushing everyone away and living with superficial interactions with those around me.
Last year was all about coping with what was a tumultuous year. This year seems to be more about patience. To be able to relate with people with even less ego than before. Certain events last year made my personality more abrasive, more ready to fight, and more likely to not like what I hear.
Its starting to affect the way I relate to people and I can't say I'm a fan of the change. Not like having an upfront personality is a bad thing, but I'm starting to lose the ability to listen to people. Granted I haven't been very good at it from the start, but I'd like to say I have been improving and I'd rather not regress to my anti-social self pushing everyone away and living with superficial interactions with those around me.
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