And why do people fall, Bruce?

I had a surprise talk with Shadi today about the time I've spent at the Wang lab. One of the things that we covered was recognizing, acknowledging, and then analyzing the quality of my research experience and to be short, the experience was rather unsatisfying.

One thing that would have helped a lot would have been getting more aide from my mentor and my peers... especially my peers. Its one thing that I have avoided my entire stay at UCSD and it has certainly been a detriment to the quality of education I have received. Another thing would be to have followed someone's footsteps for much longer than I did, but that goes hand in hand with the whole getting help.

There is obviously a lot more to the 45 minute talk that we had, but they were topics that I've covered before with people, how to deal with this feeling of being lost. Staying on track with research oriented goals and keeping in contact with the research community when I'm out in the industry will be essential to keeping me on this track. Going into industry is dangerous to my research path. At the stage that I'm in where I don't have a clear goal to pursue, a clear field that I can call home, I am not willing to waste my time hopping from department to department or settling into a topic that I can't be passionate about.

I learned a few things today. 1. Keep in contact with people that can and will help me. They are my lifeline to staying afloat especially after taking my maverick personality into account. 2. Don't lose sight of my ambition and the reasons for whatever my vision is. 3. Take graduate level courses through extension or whatever to keep my scholastic edge sharp. 4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

I've been trying to diminish my ego over these years. Its funny how I still get these random flare ups. Rather, its something that I'm still struggling to control, this whole inability to seek advice and aide in the things that really count. Fortunately things are improving... but sometimes I look back and think... fuck why didn't I see it?

Some things I need to do: Initiate contact with the study center in Japan to talk about the possibility of doing a maverick research project completely outside of science. Also, keep in contact with Joe Esherick, and keep him posted on my studies of Lu Xun. Talk to Paul Yu about pairing up with a professor in optics at Tohoku. I'm not supposed to be able to pick a group to join, but perhaps I can talk to some faculty to swing me into their group so I can make the most of my stay there and improve my chances of actually accomplishing something meaningful in my field during my short stay there. Talk to Daniel Arovas about the paper that I am a part of. See where its at and really make an effort in getting the damn thing published. I might have to deal with his weariness and criticism of me, but every relationship has its rough spots to work out, and this is no different. Lastly, I am starting to feel lost with my current project. With my two mentors currently unavailable, I have some sense of what I need to do, but the timeline is not set or structured. I need to talk to them about it even if I can't get a good report about how things are going at the moment. Lastly, another resource would be Professor Driscoll. Asking about the transition from theoretical physics to experimental physics, and more importantly, how to deal with the dangers of over-diversification.

Outside of research, I'm dealing with tying up loose ends in San Diego. I may or may not come back. My pipedream of finding work in Japan seems dim. After talking to Larry, Japan probably isn't a good fit for me in terms of a career. His view of industry in Japan is very production oriented and invariably bureaucratic, and I'll most likely suffer from that type of environment. I might get lucky, but the chances of me finding something viable has become even smaller. Lastly... I haven't completely given up on my love life in San Diego yet... but given the situation of every other aspect of my life right now... my departure from the states without romantic ties seems likely. Perhaps this is for the better.