What is Friendship?

I was having one bizarre dream just now where I started to meet up with old friends again. It started off with a long journey home. I started off by myself on foot. Spent the night at a fictitious relative's place where I played with their fictitious children. Caught an airplane to some unknown destination, but while I was at it, I became a part of Hillary Clinton's campaign and they asked me to write a speech for her. Yeah, that part was retarded, I don't know where it came from especially since I back Obama.

Then I started running into old friends. I often times think back on how I've related to people in the past and more often than not I'm very grateful for the experience. Every once in awhile it makes me incredibly lonely since I miss you guys... even the ones I see every day... right now. While in this dream though I ran into you and in our lighthearted banter the dream itself became distorted and I woke up with an empty feeling that drove me back to my journal (here). I thought I might be able to write a poem as I often encode my secrets, especially while half awake, in poetry but its just not coming to me right now. I wonder why...

I thought we had a great thing going for the longest time, but a few things happened that made me much less comfortable around you afterwards. I'll enumerate these experiences moreso as a warning to my future self than the few who read my infrequent and awkward posts and to an even lesser extent, you... we don't talk anymore anyways so we're out of touch.

1.
The first time I realized that you exist was way back when you started dating a close friend of mine. If I remember right, it started off with the whole "wow, she's cute... wish I had gotten to know her first." but as your feelings grew for each other I backed away. Fast forward a few years when our friendship sparks up again from virtually nothing, and in doing so I really wonder what you think of me behind this mask of friendship. Do I have a chance with you? But I buried my feelings for our friendship. Honestly though, everytime our conversation stopped and you caught me just staring at you at a loss for words... it wasn't because I had anything to say, I was just admiring how beautiful you are. But I was happy with our random dates and conversations.

2.
Fast forward a few more years. You're leaving the country. Its funny how the tables have turned at this point because now I'm leaving the country... but back to the topic.

I'm sorry.

When you were having your doubts about leaving, I pushed my dreams and aspirations for traveling abroad upon you. When you felt held back by your ties at home, I pushed you forward to accomplish those fleeting dreams and aspirations I was so certain that you had... after all, you went and applied for this thing on your own.

I really shouldn't have told you to go.

In the end, separation anxiety took over all rational thought and I regretted not ever having done those retarded lovey dovey things with you.

I really shouldn't have told you I liked you either...

because I'm sure it made your departure that much more awkward. I'm sorry for being so weak, really I am... because everything since then has been unbearable with you.

3.
I hated how infrequently we spoke while you were abroad. Something that really made you special was that we actually conversed via phone. Honestly, that kind of relationship is pretty special to me as I do it with so few people. Its been so long since I've had a good phone conversation with anyone. Maybe that's why I dreamt of you. More than that though, it made me realize how little you thought of me. Over the years of dialogue that we shared, one of the recurring themes was about how we shed all our old friends for new ones. I was always a little shocked by how easily you could put your past behind you, but perhaps its better that you can. Having friends that have gone through bad breakups and spent years getting through it... why do I encounter so many of these stories...? The longer you stayed away, the less we spoke. I really wish we had; although I'm sure you wanted to pretend that night never happened the lack of any substantial dialogue marginalized what we had left, as though I was hanging on by a thread from becoming a part of your oblivious past.

When you finally came home, you had changed. I thought it was because you were still getting used to being home, but I couldn't shake the feeling that you just didn't care about me anymore so I let go of that thread. I see opportunities to say hi to you from time to time... and while I want to, I refrain because I'm fairly certain I fabricated all the nuanced elements of our experiences together. Its those nuances that make me remember and cherish the fact that those experiences even happened.

It just makes me even lonelier knowing that you've forgotten about me,

but you see... I'm used to this thing called loneliness...

really i am...