L.B. who are you?

Its funny. I wrote about how I encode my secrets in poetry... apparently I lost the key for the last time I had the courage to post up a piece of past that I don't want other people to know about.

Oh well... that's what dreams are for... they make you remember crap a certain way... and then you forget it ever happened.

4:46AM

Couldn't get back to sleep... but I found the key... ha ha... its one of those friendships that are probably meant to last a long time, but you don't know why... especially considering how much we've fought in the past.

What is Friendship?

I was having one bizarre dream just now where I started to meet up with old friends again. It started off with a long journey home. I started off by myself on foot. Spent the night at a fictitious relative's place where I played with their fictitious children. Caught an airplane to some unknown destination, but while I was at it, I became a part of Hillary Clinton's campaign and they asked me to write a speech for her. Yeah, that part was retarded, I don't know where it came from especially since I back Obama.

Then I started running into old friends. I often times think back on how I've related to people in the past and more often than not I'm very grateful for the experience. Every once in awhile it makes me incredibly lonely since I miss you guys... even the ones I see every day... right now. While in this dream though I ran into you and in our lighthearted banter the dream itself became distorted and I woke up with an empty feeling that drove me back to my journal (here). I thought I might be able to write a poem as I often encode my secrets, especially while half awake, in poetry but its just not coming to me right now. I wonder why...

I thought we had a great thing going for the longest time, but a few things happened that made me much less comfortable around you afterwards. I'll enumerate these experiences moreso as a warning to my future self than the few who read my infrequent and awkward posts and to an even lesser extent, you... we don't talk anymore anyways so we're out of touch.

1.
The first time I realized that you exist was way back when you started dating a close friend of mine. If I remember right, it started off with the whole "wow, she's cute... wish I had gotten to know her first." but as your feelings grew for each other I backed away. Fast forward a few years when our friendship sparks up again from virtually nothing, and in doing so I really wonder what you think of me behind this mask of friendship. Do I have a chance with you? But I buried my feelings for our friendship. Honestly though, everytime our conversation stopped and you caught me just staring at you at a loss for words... it wasn't because I had anything to say, I was just admiring how beautiful you are. But I was happy with our random dates and conversations.

2.
Fast forward a few more years. You're leaving the country. Its funny how the tables have turned at this point because now I'm leaving the country... but back to the topic.

I'm sorry.

When you were having your doubts about leaving, I pushed my dreams and aspirations for traveling abroad upon you. When you felt held back by your ties at home, I pushed you forward to accomplish those fleeting dreams and aspirations I was so certain that you had... after all, you went and applied for this thing on your own.

I really shouldn't have told you to go.

In the end, separation anxiety took over all rational thought and I regretted not ever having done those retarded lovey dovey things with you.

I really shouldn't have told you I liked you either...

because I'm sure it made your departure that much more awkward. I'm sorry for being so weak, really I am... because everything since then has been unbearable with you.

3.
I hated how infrequently we spoke while you were abroad. Something that really made you special was that we actually conversed via phone. Honestly, that kind of relationship is pretty special to me as I do it with so few people. Its been so long since I've had a good phone conversation with anyone. Maybe that's why I dreamt of you. More than that though, it made me realize how little you thought of me. Over the years of dialogue that we shared, one of the recurring themes was about how we shed all our old friends for new ones. I was always a little shocked by how easily you could put your past behind you, but perhaps its better that you can. Having friends that have gone through bad breakups and spent years getting through it... why do I encounter so many of these stories...? The longer you stayed away, the less we spoke. I really wish we had; although I'm sure you wanted to pretend that night never happened the lack of any substantial dialogue marginalized what we had left, as though I was hanging on by a thread from becoming a part of your oblivious past.

When you finally came home, you had changed. I thought it was because you were still getting used to being home, but I couldn't shake the feeling that you just didn't care about me anymore so I let go of that thread. I see opportunities to say hi to you from time to time... and while I want to, I refrain because I'm fairly certain I fabricated all the nuanced elements of our experiences together. Its those nuances that make me remember and cherish the fact that those experiences even happened.

It just makes me even lonelier knowing that you've forgotten about me,

but you see... I'm used to this thing called loneliness...

really i am...

Words falling on deaf ears...

heh... what a serious sounding title, but really i don't know what to call this because I just felt like jotting down some of today's thoughts because i need to share (I've spent way too much time by myself and in the lab the last few days)

Last night I one of the scariest and most comical nightmares ever... I got shot at by communists while I was driving in Mission bay. I also got the angry why the hell did you sleep right after you ate a big greasy meal twice in the last 36 hours too. I think sleeping right after eating gives me nightmares and makes me wake up feeling bloated... so for you kiddies that like doing that, I'd suggest you stop before it become a habit because when you get old like me... it won't be pretty.

Some additional thoughts. I have this pipe dream of getting a job doing real research in Japan... I don't know why I stick by it or why I even share such an unlikely dream with the people I come across, but I do... It probably makes me seem really ungrounded which can be dangerous for an engineer.

I'm not sure what the future has in store for me anymore. I feel really outclassed by my peers even in the realm of research... I'm not really sure how I'm going to succeed and its scary, but we'll see, really the only thing I can do (I think) is stride forward with my eyes open and take in as much as I can. I might get lucky.

meh... had a long talk with mitch about taiko... but that can be saved for later or a more direct interaction with the group... I just got busy reading abstracts for this upcoming convention I want to go to... later.

Burned

I think my body and brain just punished me for getting a little too excited over work. I was only half awake for most of the morning. Played some taiko, and ate a lonely lunch at Sakura's... came back with a small food coma (I actually ate the whole bento... its crazy i know) and passed out for a few hours... time for work... although the chirashi is punishing me for eating and sleeping too... so uncomfortable.

And why do people fall, Bruce?

I had a surprise talk with Shadi today about the time I've spent at the Wang lab. One of the things that we covered was recognizing, acknowledging, and then analyzing the quality of my research experience and to be short, the experience was rather unsatisfying.

One thing that would have helped a lot would have been getting more aide from my mentor and my peers... especially my peers. Its one thing that I have avoided my entire stay at UCSD and it has certainly been a detriment to the quality of education I have received. Another thing would be to have followed someone's footsteps for much longer than I did, but that goes hand in hand with the whole getting help.

There is obviously a lot more to the 45 minute talk that we had, but they were topics that I've covered before with people, how to deal with this feeling of being lost. Staying on track with research oriented goals and keeping in contact with the research community when I'm out in the industry will be essential to keeping me on this track. Going into industry is dangerous to my research path. At the stage that I'm in where I don't have a clear goal to pursue, a clear field that I can call home, I am not willing to waste my time hopping from department to department or settling into a topic that I can't be passionate about.

I learned a few things today. 1. Keep in contact with people that can and will help me. They are my lifeline to staying afloat especially after taking my maverick personality into account. 2. Don't lose sight of my ambition and the reasons for whatever my vision is. 3. Take graduate level courses through extension or whatever to keep my scholastic edge sharp. 4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

I've been trying to diminish my ego over these years. Its funny how I still get these random flare ups. Rather, its something that I'm still struggling to control, this whole inability to seek advice and aide in the things that really count. Fortunately things are improving... but sometimes I look back and think... fuck why didn't I see it?

Some things I need to do: Initiate contact with the study center in Japan to talk about the possibility of doing a maverick research project completely outside of science. Also, keep in contact with Joe Esherick, and keep him posted on my studies of Lu Xun. Talk to Paul Yu about pairing up with a professor in optics at Tohoku. I'm not supposed to be able to pick a group to join, but perhaps I can talk to some faculty to swing me into their group so I can make the most of my stay there and improve my chances of actually accomplishing something meaningful in my field during my short stay there. Talk to Daniel Arovas about the paper that I am a part of. See where its at and really make an effort in getting the damn thing published. I might have to deal with his weariness and criticism of me, but every relationship has its rough spots to work out, and this is no different. Lastly, I am starting to feel lost with my current project. With my two mentors currently unavailable, I have some sense of what I need to do, but the timeline is not set or structured. I need to talk to them about it even if I can't get a good report about how things are going at the moment. Lastly, another resource would be Professor Driscoll. Asking about the transition from theoretical physics to experimental physics, and more importantly, how to deal with the dangers of over-diversification.

Outside of research, I'm dealing with tying up loose ends in San Diego. I may or may not come back. My pipedream of finding work in Japan seems dim. After talking to Larry, Japan probably isn't a good fit for me in terms of a career. His view of industry in Japan is very production oriented and invariably bureaucratic, and I'll most likely suffer from that type of environment. I might get lucky, but the chances of me finding something viable has become even smaller. Lastly... I haven't completely given up on my love life in San Diego yet... but given the situation of every other aspect of my life right now... my departure from the states without romantic ties seems likely. Perhaps this is for the better.

The New Year

A thought just occurred to me. Maybe its meaningless.

Last year was all about coping with what was a tumultuous year. This year seems to be more about patience. To be able to relate with people with even less ego than before. Certain events last year made my personality more abrasive, more ready to fight, and more likely to not like what I hear.

Its starting to affect the way I relate to people and I can't say I'm a fan of the change. Not like having an upfront personality is a bad thing, but I'm starting to lose the ability to listen to people. Granted I haven't been very good at it from the start, but I'd like to say I have been improving and I'd rather not regress to my anti-social self pushing everyone away and living with superficial interactions with those around me.

Strained

Bah... never mind... I don't think I'll remember what this post is supposed to be about even if I look back on it.

Yeah... this whole bleeding thing is getting old...