I'd get started but now is not a good time. I'll make it up by putting up one of my better photos or something.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Life
I need to get back in the habit of writing again... and maybe include some photos in it. Perhaps telling my Japan story through my photos... We'll see if it actually happens though. New photos are up by the way.
I'd get started but now is not a good time. I'll make it up by putting up one of my better photos or something.
I'd get started but now is not a good time. I'll make it up by putting up one of my better photos or something.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Graduation
I finally got the final solid clue that I will finally graduate. The petition for my classes to count towards my degree went through. Now all I have to do is wait for the senior residency waiver to go through (which I'm told it will and its really just a procedural thing) and I'm set!
I'll finally have my hard won BS... muahaha.
Incidentally, I started applying for jobs today. Maybe the heavens were just waiting for me to get off my lazy ass and make something of myself.
BTW, job hunting is fun, there's so many interesting engineering/technician/scientist positions out there. Unfortunately most of them require some sort of security clearance (which I don't have). I dunno how much of a burden that will bear in the future... but whatever, I'll deal with it as things come along.
Also incidentally... my new email counter is at 777. my gmail one is stuck at 35 so that doesn't count... but it is divisible by 7... and 5... 0.o
I'll finally have my hard won BS... muahaha.
Incidentally, I started applying for jobs today. Maybe the heavens were just waiting for me to get off my lazy ass and make something of myself.
BTW, job hunting is fun, there's so many interesting engineering/technician/scientist positions out there. Unfortunately most of them require some sort of security clearance (which I don't have). I dunno how much of a burden that will bear in the future... but whatever, I'll deal with it as things come along.
Also incidentally... my new email counter is at 777. my gmail one is stuck at 35 so that doesn't count... but it is divisible by 7... and 5... 0.o
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thankgiving 2008
I've been busy today. Stayed up late last night writing a bunch of emails, mostly to friends in Japan. Sent out a batch of thanksgiving emails in hopes of resparking conversation with some people I haven't talked to in awhile. Unfortunately I wrote it in english thinking everyone in my list was fluent enough to understand. Definitely woke up to an incomprehensible email this morning. Apparently I misread a name last night. Thinking it was someone else, I wrote that email in english with only a Japanese title. Oh well.
The rest of the morning was talking to some friends... Problems seem to hit groups of people and in waves as opposed to isolated incidents. Maybe there is some invisible luck field that can be described by quantum mechanics. That'd be cool. Yeah... I'll keep dreaming about pursuing that career in scifi.
The rest of the day was more or less spent muscling a lighter body out of my oke. It's still ugly as heck, but the walls are a little closer to what I want. My mom seemed pretty happy that she got a bag full of wood shavings that she can use on her houseplants. I just hope they can handle whatever oils are coming off of that wood, cuz I don't think rats can handle it, i dunno about delicate houseplants.
Finally, the rest of the evening (after a 1.5 hour food coma induced nap), i worked on photos for mom, and then tried to accustom myself to digikam so I can start processing photos and putting them up for people to see. Digikam isn't too bad... there are a few annoying things I have to do to get the program to cooperate, but so far it seems to be okay. The great thing about it though... is that its fast. A LOT faster than LightRoom... hopefully Raw Therapee will pull through tomorrow.
I put the sakura pictures back up on the photopian site. Not sure how they ended up off it. but yeah. Hopefully I can have a few more albums up soon.
For those of you that are wondering about what I ate today... since Turkey day is supposed to be all about eating... we had home-made pho. all beef. No bird.
The rest of the morning was talking to some friends... Problems seem to hit groups of people and in waves as opposed to isolated incidents. Maybe there is some invisible luck field that can be described by quantum mechanics. That'd be cool. Yeah... I'll keep dreaming about pursuing that career in scifi.
The rest of the day was more or less spent muscling a lighter body out of my oke. It's still ugly as heck, but the walls are a little closer to what I want. My mom seemed pretty happy that she got a bag full of wood shavings that she can use on her houseplants. I just hope they can handle whatever oils are coming off of that wood, cuz I don't think rats can handle it, i dunno about delicate houseplants.
Finally, the rest of the evening (after a 1.5 hour food coma induced nap), i worked on photos for mom, and then tried to accustom myself to digikam so I can start processing photos and putting them up for people to see. Digikam isn't too bad... there are a few annoying things I have to do to get the program to cooperate, but so far it seems to be okay. The great thing about it though... is that its fast. A LOT faster than LightRoom... hopefully Raw Therapee will pull through tomorrow.
I put the sakura pictures back up on the photopian site. Not sure how they ended up off it. but yeah. Hopefully I can have a few more albums up soon.
For those of you that are wondering about what I ate today... since Turkey day is supposed to be all about eating... we had home-made pho. all beef. No bird.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Back to Writing
Got back from San Francisco last night. The concert was pretty amazing as expected, despite quite a few number of gripes I had with a number of things. I won't elaborate on them as some of the critiques are fairly personal (to myself, not really to other people). One thing I gotta say though, Sukeroku's set made the use of "ma" more clear and awesome than I have ever seen in any other group. 20 seconds somewhere in their set made the entire trip worth it.
On a tangent, I took apart a camera lens today. They're pretty complicated pieces of machinery, but not impossible to decipher. I still don't know how the zooming part works exactly, but that's ok. I did what I needed to do, clean the lens elements. We'll see whether or not I destroyed the lens for good.
On a tangent, I took apart a camera lens today. They're pretty complicated pieces of machinery, but not impossible to decipher. I still don't know how the zooming part works exactly, but that's ok. I did what I needed to do, clean the lens elements. We'll see whether or not I destroyed the lens for good.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Hong Kong and Macau
Photos are up.
When I have more time to reflect on my travels, I'll talk about them. For now... enjoy the photos.
When I have more time to reflect on my travels, I'll talk about them. For now... enjoy the photos.
YARGH!
My laptop... the one that had a cup of tea 5 months back... decides it wants to work again. Unfortunately, my previous archive drive is likely to be dead for good. Great news... My laptop is working. Bad news, I still have to give Lenovo a piece of my mind about their warranty policies... That, and my Sansa clip is still non-operational.
HDD
Ugh... Found out I can't recover my lost hdd at home. If I want some of the photos back, I'll have to send it in to a professional to get it fixed, and unfortunately that'll cost too much. I'm missing most of this year's earlier photos, the last bits of when I was in college. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I wasn't taking too many photos early in my trip to Japan, so the loss isn't as great. I think I've also lost some important documents too... but I think those are somewhat recoverable as I go along.
Sigh... what a pain in the ass.
On another note: Life is starting to settle down and I'm starting to become productive again. Let's see if I can keep it up today.
Sigh... what a pain in the ass.
On another note: Life is starting to settle down and I'm starting to become productive again. Let's see if I can keep it up today.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Nightmare
Had a repeated nightmare last night... well ... dream maybe. I already forgot what it was about, it was in two parts. First part had something to do with me being the leader of this family of monsters or demons... but they seemed kinda normal to me except I was more like a king than anything. Second part was me fleeing from something under the same theme as the first part... I think. Anyways, I woke up halfway through it (cuz I think it got too bright to sleep (the sun wakes up early in this part of the world)) and when I went back to bed, I repeated the dream, except this time, I noticed more details about the world I was in. Pretty nifty stuff. Its been awhile since I've had a dream structure like this where I revisit places in my dreams. I think the last time was in Feb or Jan... cuz I'm pretty sure I had one when I was living with Mitch... ... in the apartment... I think.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Japan
What can I say... this place is awesome.
Although, I would very much like to stay in one place. This whole travelling being homeless thing is very very tiring.
Although, I would very much like to stay in one place. This whole travelling being homeless thing is very very tiring.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Photos
Some New Lab photos up.
Japan has also been reorganized.
http://asayake.photopians.org/v/Japan2008/
Japan has also been reorganized.
http://asayake.photopians.org/v/Japan2008/
New photos up soon
maybe... Just finished a batch for my lab. I'll put them up soon... but not today. I'm tired from moving out of Sanjo...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sanjo
Its been fun, but this is good bye. I'll come back to visit... the town... maybe not the administration that runs this place. Granted: some of the part time girls are pretty cute.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Last days in Japan
I've been really fortunate to make so many friends here in Sendai. Maybe its because I'm a greedy bastard though... but its the unfilled promises from the homeland that makes me feel insecure. As grateful as I am for my friendships here... they are... after all that's been said and done, still developing friendships. Well... all relationships are constantly developing, but new relationships just haven't stood the test of time.
Well... I guess two years isn't really enough time either apparently. =/ Sigh. Let's hope we can maintain contact even though we're half a world apart Japan. I'm not the type of person that really shows emotion all that well most of the time, but I truly am happy to have been here. While my concerns about the upcoming month of homelessness and travel cloud most of my other emotions, trust that I am enjoying every last moment in this wonderful country.
Well... I guess two years isn't really enough time either apparently. =/ Sigh. Let's hope we can maintain contact even though we're half a world apart Japan. I'm not the type of person that really shows emotion all that well most of the time, but I truly am happy to have been here. While my concerns about the upcoming month of homelessness and travel cloud most of my other emotions, trust that I am enjoying every last moment in this wonderful country.
Friday, August 29, 2008
on second thought
A word about the girlfriend bit earlier... after sleeping on it (ugh... that knot is telling me its still there)... figure having someone nag to me about overworking should be a job left to my parents. As for the massage bit... eh... its hit or miss with most people, I'd rather have guaranteed results with a professional. The other stuff (whatever it is =P) is more important anyways.
My sensei asked me a good question the other day. What's the difference between girlfriend and friend? I'm about as socially inept as he is... so I couldn't really answer. Where does this stem from you ask? We were all in a drunken stupor, and he was commenting that on my trip last week how my photos just so happened to be filled with girls (3 to be exact) coming to the conclusion that I am "mote mote" or "popular with the ladies". It was all in good fun, but if its true... obviously I'm look but don't touch material =P.
My sensei asked me a good question the other day. What's the difference between girlfriend and friend? I'm about as socially inept as he is... so I couldn't really answer. Where does this stem from you ask? We were all in a drunken stupor, and he was commenting that on my trip last week how my photos just so happened to be filled with girls (3 to be exact) coming to the conclusion that I am "mote mote" or "popular with the ladies". It was all in good fun, but if its true... obviously I'm look but don't touch material =P.
more computer woes
ugh.... laptop lcdscreen went haywire for good this morning
took the thing apart but it seems some connections in the actual lcd array itself are starting to go bad... sigh...
i just have to bear with it for about 3 more weeks. Unless I can pilfer a monitor from the lab... don't expect me to work on my photos in this condition.
now its time to find food... at 11pm. This is why I hate troubleshooting computers... my diet schedule gets out of whack. This is also why I need a girlfriend... so she can tell me when to eat when I concentrate too hard on a project. Also... so she can give me massages... cuz I carry my stress in two very specific locations in my back and they're kinda hard to reach on my own.
took the thing apart but it seems some connections in the actual lcd array itself are starting to go bad... sigh...
i just have to bear with it for about 3 more weeks. Unless I can pilfer a monitor from the lab... don't expect me to work on my photos in this condition.
now its time to find food... at 11pm. This is why I hate troubleshooting computers... my diet schedule gets out of whack. This is also why I need a girlfriend... so she can tell me when to eat when I concentrate too hard on a project. Also... so she can give me massages... cuz I carry my stress in two very specific locations in my back and they're kinda hard to reach on my own.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
OMG
Wow... I've just been cleaning up for my pre-inspection, but like everything in life, due dates all come in unison so that I have to rush to try to meet all the deadlines. Aside from using the precious time I have left here to travel around Japan, I've also been prepping to leave. While I've still got a little less than a month here, I am forced to move out of my room in a few weeks starting with tomorrow's pre-inspection.
Meanwhile, my department (at UCSD) accounts are closing so I have to move out of that too. Its eerie. I've had this email account for the last 5 years, and while I write this listening to James Blunt, I can remember the days when I was living with John trying different configurations to make the most out of the shitty services we had back in those days. To the kids that got the sudden boost in space... make use of it... you can actually put up a half decent website or use it as a digital locker as opposed to the measly 20 megs that we had.
Wow... I suppose this really wraps up my UCSD experience. Losing the use of my UCSD email and having it relegated to mail forwarding only really hits home in an unexpected way. all that's left is to pray that all my paperwork goes through so I get my diploma come November, else I'll get stuck in this non-graduated limbo which will be a punk to get out of.
Sigh... Now comes the hard part... where to go.
Meanwhile, my department (at UCSD) accounts are closing so I have to move out of that too. Its eerie. I've had this email account for the last 5 years, and while I write this listening to James Blunt, I can remember the days when I was living with John trying different configurations to make the most out of the shitty services we had back in those days. To the kids that got the sudden boost in space... make use of it... you can actually put up a half decent website or use it as a digital locker as opposed to the measly 20 megs that we had.
Wow... I suppose this really wraps up my UCSD experience. Losing the use of my UCSD email and having it relegated to mail forwarding only really hits home in an unexpected way. all that's left is to pray that all my paperwork goes through so I get my diploma come November, else I'll get stuck in this non-graduated limbo which will be a punk to get out of.
Sigh... Now comes the hard part... where to go.
Blogging from my browser
Checking out some new software and updating myself technologically. i've been running off of html based apps for the past few months... maybe this will help me blog a bit more.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Language
I just realized something... listening to the kids outside my window speak to each other in Japanese...
it must have been hard for my dad watching me (the only person he lived with for a long while) grow up speaking a foreign language... That's not something that had really ever occurred to me... seeing it from the other side. I mean, I always got the whole.. you should speak more Chinese because you are Chinese argument but that never really meant much to me. Perhaps it would have been more powerful to say... you should speak more Chinese so we can communicate our experiences, our history, our wisdom, legacy, heritage, culture... etc etc etc... and other complex things that can't be conveyed by half-assed attempts at breaking down a language barrier...
Sigh... it only took me a little more than a decade to figure this out.
it must have been hard for my dad watching me (the only person he lived with for a long while) grow up speaking a foreign language... That's not something that had really ever occurred to me... seeing it from the other side. I mean, I always got the whole.. you should speak more Chinese because you are Chinese argument but that never really meant much to me. Perhaps it would have been more powerful to say... you should speak more Chinese so we can communicate our experiences, our history, our wisdom, legacy, heritage, culture... etc etc etc... and other complex things that can't be conveyed by half-assed attempts at breaking down a language barrier...
Sigh... it only took me a little more than a decade to figure this out.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Heisig
Just discovered a cool way to learn kanji. The goal of the course is to teach how to simply write kanji and associate it with a simple meaning. It is not intended to teach readings and stuff which is a much more complicated task... I'm excited about it as I feel like I might be able to learn how to write some 2000 kanji in about a month (I'm banking on 3 weeks... 100 kanji per day...) if I put the work into it...
Monday, May 12, 2008
Complications
heh... where should I start?
I've been in Sendai for a little over a month now and while I've more or less settled in I still feel like I don't quite fit in from time to time. Its a relatively common feeling for me, especially when I'm feeling hungry... but really,I'm not sure why it happens, but it does and it sucks... This most recent bout mostly had to do with not knowing what the heck I should be doing for the 6.5 units and some 20 or so weekly hours that accounts for my research, but after talking to my PI, things have settled down a bit. Apparently I've been placed into a project, the head of which is currently hiring postdocs in China...
My lack of posting these past 11 days has had more to do with constantly trying to adjust to my surrounding, and strengthening my resolve to improve. Things got a little hairy though when I spilled tea on my laptop and subsequently rendered it unusable... and irreparable while in Japan. In otherwords, I'll be without a computer at home in the long term for the first time in about 17 years. For some people, this might not be such a big deal, but it'll be interesting for a guy who usually spent the vast majority of his free time in front of his screen in the past. I have confidence that the experience will improve my life somehow as I have on many an occasion felt the need to throw my computer out the window but not having the courage to do so. The transition to a life where the hikkikomori lifestyle has been rendered virtually impossible (in a way, I was a weekend hikkikomori) hasn't been that easy so far. The general grumpiness associated with feeling too exposed to the world has more or less hit full force about now, except this time I don't have the ability or the social backstrength to withdraw into seclusion, with either my computer or a friend or two to keep me company. The outcome should be rather interesting...
There have been other complications, but I'll go ahead and call it a night for now, else I start sounding too whiny...
PS. your best bet to contact me now... email. if you want to feel like you're are able to talk to me anytime, please ask for the email associated with my cell.
I've been in Sendai for a little over a month now and while I've more or less settled in I still feel like I don't quite fit in from time to time. Its a relatively common feeling for me, especially when I'm feeling hungry... but really,I'm not sure why it happens, but it does and it sucks... This most recent bout mostly had to do with not knowing what the heck I should be doing for the 6.5 units and some 20 or so weekly hours that accounts for my research, but after talking to my PI, things have settled down a bit. Apparently I've been placed into a project, the head of which is currently hiring postdocs in China...
My lack of posting these past 11 days has had more to do with constantly trying to adjust to my surrounding, and strengthening my resolve to improve. Things got a little hairy though when I spilled tea on my laptop and subsequently rendered it unusable... and irreparable while in Japan. In otherwords, I'll be without a computer at home in the long term for the first time in about 17 years. For some people, this might not be such a big deal, but it'll be interesting for a guy who usually spent the vast majority of his free time in front of his screen in the past. I have confidence that the experience will improve my life somehow as I have on many an occasion felt the need to throw my computer out the window but not having the courage to do so. The transition to a life where the hikkikomori lifestyle has been rendered virtually impossible (in a way, I was a weekend hikkikomori) hasn't been that easy so far. The general grumpiness associated with feeling too exposed to the world has more or less hit full force about now, except this time I don't have the ability or the social backstrength to withdraw into seclusion, with either my computer or a friend or two to keep me company. The outcome should be rather interesting...
There have been other complications, but I'll go ahead and call it a night for now, else I start sounding too whiny...
PS. your best bet to contact me now... email. if you want to feel like you're are able to talk to me anytime, please ask for the email associated with my cell.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The return home
What an odd dream. First... I slept like 14 hours last night... and in the last two hours i had one odd ass dream. Came home and went to practice which was taking somewhere... and asayake was speaking all in japanese... it was kind of odd... and it was the kind of jibberish japanese that i've come to just listen to and not be able to understand. Also, there was all sorts of new equipment that I didn't know how to use... it was kind of interesting... and after awhile people stopped looking familiar and i woke up when they were getting their japanese lesson... which was how their japanese improved so much in that short amount of time...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Why Japan
For those of you that don't know... I'm sick. Ha ha... I've been walking around these past few weeks wondering why the heck half the population is wearing flu masks... I think it took awhile because my immune system was still acclimating... but my allergies finally hit. Unfortunately this is a country full of allergens... so there's really no hope escaping it... and worse yet, the concentration is quite high... so... as far as I can tell... the allergies are hitting pretty hard.
Back to the topic that I never got to...
The girls upstairs that I've taken to hanging out with are all 18 yo (fresh out of high school) and for the most part... they're addicted to Detective Conan... its kind of funny... especially since the whole anime/manga thing is supposed to die with age. I don't know if that will happen with this generation as the target audience for most anime is expanding... or maybe its just because i'm getting older.
We do have a self-proclaimed otaku in our group... but this proclamation comes with a few caveats... well really... just one... he's 17 (as he so proudly claims). Now why would I even care? As far as I am aware... the term otaku carried (and still does even after densha otoko probably granted to a lesser extent) a very negative connotation. Another japanese word to describe otaku: maniac. The english doesn't really have a comparable term to describe an otaku as the old connotations for geek and nerd have more or less been thrown out to be more fashionable to today's tech savvy youth. Even the word otaku has been stripped of its negative connotations in the west, but I wouldn't be caught dead calling myself an otaku, however I feel like I walk a fine line between normalcy (whatever standardizes normal) and just being really informed... ie. geeky. This topic can be a rather deep and egocentric one so I'll go ahead and skip on to what I want to talk about...
Why Japan? I've met tons of people that have gone abroad since my high school days... and maybe its because of my status of being overseas chinese... this whole lack of national identity thing... but I feel slightly disgruntled when people harp on other countries... saying how much another country is better than another. It used to be much worse than it is now... and perhaps the fact that I care about how another place is better than my home means I have national pride... I don't know. I don't care much for America's reputation or what "my country" means to everyone else... but it kind of pisses me off when people start talking about how much better it is over there... because then it feels like they're putting down my home... maybe its that reincarnated japanese soul of mine (ie. you don't say today's weather is nice... you say today's weather is also nice (just like any other day)). So why did I choose to want to study in Japan oh so long ago? I did this before I joined taiko... so my only exposure to Japan was through what I saw in anime. In a way, how I started to become interested in Japan (in a more extreme case people would call it being a Japan-o-phile... I don't feel like I'm at that point... but I may very well be) was due to what I'd like to call my otaku past. I've never quite been ok with the whole "yeah... Japan Japan Japan... everything Japan is cool" school of thought. In fact I was a bit discomforted by it... especially since a number of my friends were all gung ho about Japan.
As time dragged on... and I became more involved with taiko, my approach to culture slowly changed as I learned more and more about the history of this region (which is painfully neglected by our high schools... or maybe its because I simply didn't study hard enough) and while I did got through the China phase a few times, I don't think modern China has peaked my interested quite yet. But in essence, my interested in Japan has developed far beyond simply what manga and anime has to offer. Ironically, I probably watch and read about as much as I used to. Possibly a little less now because I spend a lot more time doing other things, but when I'm in the burnt out mode... that's all I really do... So does manga and anime represent anything intrinsically Japanese to me? no... not really... for what they are to me now... they're just stories and a preferred format... It's something I've grown up doing, so I prefer it over most other media. Is there anything redeemable from this particular media? no... I don't think so... the only series I ever got anything worthwhile from... was 12 kingdoms, and that was more a part of my own development as a person than anything.
So why Japan? When anime and manga aren't even really a reason to be here at all? I don't list anime and manga as an interest anymore because they've stopped being anything more than stories to me. I've recognized that Japanese and American Taiko are different and as far as I can understand, they are different entities with the same root, but like the homo-sapien and chimpanzee... their common ancestor probably looks nothing like either. I admit, taiko is a major reason for me being here. Its one of my interests, and I feel diversifying my taiko portfolio will greatly develop my taiko ability or artistic skill, talent, whatever you want to call it... but I can just as easily do that back in the states by hunting down taiko internships with portland, san jose, or the taiko institute...
One part of it is... like just about every other youngster getting ready to hit a major turning point in their lives... the desire to see the world and explore and try those new wings that we've worked so hard to obtain. But wanting to see the world is a pretty common desire applicable to anywhere... but really my interests can only lead me to two other places... China (which is a no because I don't agree with China's current political environment) and hong kong (which is still part of China... so I'd rather not if I could help it). I have no real interest in England, or France. I have close to nil experience with Germany... and while I'm on a relatively Vietnamese diet... I'm pretty unfamiliar with the culture.
America is a pretty good place to get to know a number of different cultures... fortunately most asian cultures are included in the whole "its not a bad place to get to know.." Islamic cultures are a bit harder to come by in America, especially at this point in time... but for now I don't know much and am not interested (the ignorance feeds itself), which leaves how many countries do I want to deepend my understanding of? Language also plays a large role too. Since most of the stories I really like are in Japanese... the natural language to pursue... Japanese (its not about the means... its about the end in this case)... I decided long ago... Japanese reading comprehension first... Chinese can come later... listening and speaking Japanese and Cantonese can be concurrent, Mandarin will have to wait.
Its all about deepening my understanding. It great to go and check a new place out... which is great if you're going to be there for temporary stay... but to do anything long term, I feel having as much of a foundation as you can muster is the best way to milk the most out of your experience.
So why Japan? The answer is simple... to deepen what I already know...
because the more I get to know it... the stranger it becomes. I certainly feel that way about the language... the culture is right there beside it... as are the streets (the streets near my home are very windy... and physics... well... the deeper you go... the stranger it gets... quantum mechanics only gets harder after your infinite well, pauli exclusion, and heisenberg uncertainty...
Back to the topic that I never got to...
The girls upstairs that I've taken to hanging out with are all 18 yo (fresh out of high school) and for the most part... they're addicted to Detective Conan... its kind of funny... especially since the whole anime/manga thing is supposed to die with age. I don't know if that will happen with this generation as the target audience for most anime is expanding... or maybe its just because i'm getting older.
We do have a self-proclaimed otaku in our group... but this proclamation comes with a few caveats... well really... just one... he's 17 (as he so proudly claims). Now why would I even care? As far as I am aware... the term otaku carried (and still does even after densha otoko probably granted to a lesser extent) a very negative connotation. Another japanese word to describe otaku: maniac. The english doesn't really have a comparable term to describe an otaku as the old connotations for geek and nerd have more or less been thrown out to be more fashionable to today's tech savvy youth. Even the word otaku has been stripped of its negative connotations in the west, but I wouldn't be caught dead calling myself an otaku, however I feel like I walk a fine line between normalcy (whatever standardizes normal) and just being really informed... ie. geeky. This topic can be a rather deep and egocentric one so I'll go ahead and skip on to what I want to talk about...
Why Japan? I've met tons of people that have gone abroad since my high school days... and maybe its because of my status of being overseas chinese... this whole lack of national identity thing... but I feel slightly disgruntled when people harp on other countries... saying how much another country is better than another. It used to be much worse than it is now... and perhaps the fact that I care about how another place is better than my home means I have national pride... I don't know. I don't care much for America's reputation or what "my country" means to everyone else... but it kind of pisses me off when people start talking about how much better it is over there... because then it feels like they're putting down my home... maybe its that reincarnated japanese soul of mine (ie. you don't say today's weather is nice... you say today's weather is also nice (just like any other day)). So why did I choose to want to study in Japan oh so long ago? I did this before I joined taiko... so my only exposure to Japan was through what I saw in anime. In a way, how I started to become interested in Japan (in a more extreme case people would call it being a Japan-o-phile... I don't feel like I'm at that point... but I may very well be) was due to what I'd like to call my otaku past. I've never quite been ok with the whole "yeah... Japan Japan Japan... everything Japan is cool" school of thought. In fact I was a bit discomforted by it... especially since a number of my friends were all gung ho about Japan.
As time dragged on... and I became more involved with taiko, my approach to culture slowly changed as I learned more and more about the history of this region (which is painfully neglected by our high schools... or maybe its because I simply didn't study hard enough) and while I did got through the China phase a few times, I don't think modern China has peaked my interested quite yet. But in essence, my interested in Japan has developed far beyond simply what manga and anime has to offer. Ironically, I probably watch and read about as much as I used to. Possibly a little less now because I spend a lot more time doing other things, but when I'm in the burnt out mode... that's all I really do... So does manga and anime represent anything intrinsically Japanese to me? no... not really... for what they are to me now... they're just stories and a preferred format... It's something I've grown up doing, so I prefer it over most other media. Is there anything redeemable from this particular media? no... I don't think so... the only series I ever got anything worthwhile from... was 12 kingdoms, and that was more a part of my own development as a person than anything.
So why Japan? When anime and manga aren't even really a reason to be here at all? I don't list anime and manga as an interest anymore because they've stopped being anything more than stories to me. I've recognized that Japanese and American Taiko are different and as far as I can understand, they are different entities with the same root, but like the homo-sapien and chimpanzee... their common ancestor probably looks nothing like either. I admit, taiko is a major reason for me being here. Its one of my interests, and I feel diversifying my taiko portfolio will greatly develop my taiko ability or artistic skill, talent, whatever you want to call it... but I can just as easily do that back in the states by hunting down taiko internships with portland, san jose, or the taiko institute...
One part of it is... like just about every other youngster getting ready to hit a major turning point in their lives... the desire to see the world and explore and try those new wings that we've worked so hard to obtain. But wanting to see the world is a pretty common desire applicable to anywhere... but really my interests can only lead me to two other places... China (which is a no because I don't agree with China's current political environment) and hong kong (which is still part of China... so I'd rather not if I could help it). I have no real interest in England, or France. I have close to nil experience with Germany... and while I'm on a relatively Vietnamese diet... I'm pretty unfamiliar with the culture.
America is a pretty good place to get to know a number of different cultures... fortunately most asian cultures are included in the whole "its not a bad place to get to know.." Islamic cultures are a bit harder to come by in America, especially at this point in time... but for now I don't know much and am not interested (the ignorance feeds itself), which leaves how many countries do I want to deepend my understanding of? Language also plays a large role too. Since most of the stories I really like are in Japanese... the natural language to pursue... Japanese (its not about the means... its about the end in this case)... I decided long ago... Japanese reading comprehension first... Chinese can come later... listening and speaking Japanese and Cantonese can be concurrent, Mandarin will have to wait.
Its all about deepening my understanding. It great to go and check a new place out... which is great if you're going to be there for temporary stay... but to do anything long term, I feel having as much of a foundation as you can muster is the best way to milk the most out of your experience.
So why Japan? The answer is simple... to deepen what I already know...
because the more I get to know it... the stranger it becomes. I certainly feel that way about the language... the culture is right there beside it... as are the streets (the streets near my home are very windy... and physics... well... the deeper you go... the stranger it gets... quantum mechanics only gets harder after your infinite well, pauli exclusion, and heisenberg uncertainty...
Saturday, April 19, 2008
ummm... yeah... not much to say unfortunately... ha ha
How long has it been since my last post? I believe the last time was somewhere in Tokyo… in the middle of the night trying. Oh? No… I think the last time when I was bitching about my graduation status….
Where should I start? What should I talk about? I suppose there could be a lot to say, but at the same time it all seems kind of normal… so what is there to say? It has all flown by so fast. Much has happened since: such as alien registration, getting national health insurance, a bank account, cell phone, internet, paying for my living arrangements, etc etc etc… honestly its nothing to write home about.
Things have kinda swung back and forth between good and bad. The good usually starting sometime around meal time… the bad usually after doing a ton of paperwork… In terms of my lab, it hasn’t been bad. The people are really nice, although I’m getting pampered. I’m sure my labmates all hate me for being babied so much… ha ha.
I did catch a cold however… so I guess that’s been interesting. The weather is getting warmer… whatelse?
It’s raining a lot…
The sakura are blooming… but it’s raining a lot… so… the sakura aren’t so happy.
I hang out with the international students a lot... international… and the freshman girls….
Oh… one cool thing that happened was hanging out with Yuta in Asakusa. That was cool. Granted it was just hanging out at the Miyamoto Studio. At the very least I got to independently study some taiko. I hope I can do it again sometime.
On a more taiko related note, I joined Kamo Tsunamura Taiko. They play taiko a bit differently than Asayake… so it’ll be interesting to see what techniques I can pick up. I kind of wish I saw practice more often… but in this area, it seems Taiko is a bit rarer… perhaps it would have been wiser looking for a group elsewhere. Oh well… we’ll make do with what we have now.
Where should I start? What should I talk about? I suppose there could be a lot to say, but at the same time it all seems kind of normal… so what is there to say? It has all flown by so fast. Much has happened since: such as alien registration, getting national health insurance, a bank account, cell phone, internet, paying for my living arrangements, etc etc etc… honestly its nothing to write home about.
Things have kinda swung back and forth between good and bad. The good usually starting sometime around meal time… the bad usually after doing a ton of paperwork… In terms of my lab, it hasn’t been bad. The people are really nice, although I’m getting pampered. I’m sure my labmates all hate me for being babied so much… ha ha.
I did catch a cold however… so I guess that’s been interesting. The weather is getting warmer… whatelse?
It’s raining a lot…
The sakura are blooming… but it’s raining a lot… so… the sakura aren’t so happy.
I hang out with the international students a lot... international… and the freshman girls….
Oh… one cool thing that happened was hanging out with Yuta in Asakusa. That was cool. Granted it was just hanging out at the Miyamoto Studio. At the very least I got to independently study some taiko. I hope I can do it again sometime.
On a more taiko related note, I joined Kamo Tsunamura Taiko. They play taiko a bit differently than Asayake… so it’ll be interesting to see what techniques I can pick up. I kind of wish I saw practice more often… but in this area, it seems Taiko is a bit rarer… perhaps it would have been wiser looking for a group elsewhere. Oh well… we’ll make do with what we have now.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Japan and Graduation
heh... I don't know where to start... I mean, I've been figuring out how to graduate for the past 6 months now and even after all the trouble and worry, I'm still very far from the goal. It's a little unreasonable how difficult it is to find a class to satisfy these 3 small requirements: "must be 4 UC quarter units of upper division non-engineering/science/math related study"...
After hearing about how difficult the UOEAP director can be in allow units to transfer, I found that I'd probably be able to get my upper div units via the Japanese language courses offered here at Tohoku because it seemed unlikely that the combination of the non-engineering courses here would be able to pass by the director... the so-called dragon-lady. My Japanese isn't great, but I figured it was good enough to be close to intermediate level, which would give me enough units to graduate... funnily enough, the level I got assigned to was absolute beginner, and it seems they want to keep me here...
Really... I don't know what to do anymore... I really want to just quit school just to make a statement against this type of bureaucratic idiocy.
After hearing about how difficult the UOEAP director can be in allow units to transfer, I found that I'd probably be able to get my upper div units via the Japanese language courses offered here at Tohoku because it seemed unlikely that the combination of the non-engineering courses here would be able to pass by the director... the so-called dragon-lady. My Japanese isn't great, but I figured it was good enough to be close to intermediate level, which would give me enough units to graduate... funnily enough, the level I got assigned to was absolute beginner, and it seems they want to keep me here...
Really... I don't know what to do anymore... I really want to just quit school just to make a statement against this type of bureaucratic idiocy.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Grades!
Whoo hoo! I made my highest GPA last quarter!
Now's the hard part T.T keeping it up...
grade inflation doesn't happen here in Japan. And the even harder part... dealing with a bureacratic nazi trying to get the necessary units to freaking graduate.
Now's the hard part T.T keeping it up...
grade inflation doesn't happen here in Japan. And the even harder part... dealing with a bureacratic nazi trying to get the necessary units to freaking graduate.
Japan Day 1…
My first 11 hours in Japan have gone very smoothly. I’m currently awake at 3 in the morning suffering from jet lag (I woke up to some night workers since my window is open… and it definitely feels like morning right now (its 11am back at home). That aside, things haven’t gone too badly at all.
The trip started off at LAX. I was a bit apprehensive about United as I’ve had trouble with them in that past, but the flight from LAX to SFO went without a hitch. We departed on time. We arrived on time. There were a heck of a lot of kids. It felt like a freaking day care with a group of obnoxious snot nosed what looked like 7th and 8th graders (maybe freshmen in high school… freaking kids get younger and younger every day) that I hoped I wouldn’t see later on as per their chaperone’s conversation with the flight attendant; they were flying to SFO to connect to an international flight to.
I made a lot of friends on the plane. My neighbor, a rather burly… asian? I don’t know… guy named Felix was off to Edinburg to hang with his girlfriend whom he graduated from USC with, him in some sort of broadcast communications, her in something that led her to law school. I remember it was a somewhat non-typical path to law school. He wore a thick ass suede leather jacket. Looked nice as hell… and about as hot to boot in the very temperate Californian weather.
Behind me was a guy getting to know a Swedish girl… it seemed kind of shady… but had something to do with Santa Barbara… sigh… I really shouldn’t listen in on people’s conversations… but I can’t help it when the guy’s blasting away.
People seemed pretty friendly, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the baseball cap. Waiting for the shuttle transfer to the international terminal at SFO wasn’t too bad… no impatient people pushing and shoving to get to their next flight, the guy behind me was like “did we make it?” as the bigass group of kids and chaperone took the last seats available on that shuttle… and he follows with “no… we didn’t make it…” the attendant tells us to wait a bit… and we hang.
I see the guy later as I miraculously am able to grab a bite to eat and we nod in mutual acknowledgement of having passed this rather innocuous trial, this right to continue our journeys. Adventures are always fun.
By the way… the gate for the Japan flight… abound with tons of hot girls… and it only gets better the closer I get to the country.
One thing that I know I’m pretty good at is that I can remember people… where I’ve seen them and how long has elapsed since I’ve last seen them. Obviously the system isn’t perfect, there are a fair number of people that have slipped through the net when I’m online… but I’m pretty good at remembering faces… I don’t think I’ll be forgetting these people any time soon… granted I don’t really remember that one Ukrainian girl I drove to a rather shady setup in Escondido to help my German sub-letter help his newfound friend… its prolly my first glimpse at the type of human trafficking that still occurs in the US… granted I don’t think it was anything illegal… but it was definitely shady business. However I digress.
After lunch I boarded the plane… which had already been half way boarded so the gate was empty. There was no one just milling around waiting to get on an overcrowded flight. The pressure to just move bodies someplace was absent and people seemed to actually be treated like people should be when embarking on such a trip.
My carryon was huge. I got to my seat and this lady was totally setting up her personal space in my seat and she even went so far as to ask me to help her put her luggage up in the bin. It wasn’t until after a minute of her continuing on with her space that I had to intervene and claim my seat. She turned out to be a researcher working on statistical analysis of the TOEFL at Tokai University and had just returned from her sabbatical at Cambridge, and more importantly, my first newfound friend in Japan. We talked about a ton of topics and I won’t enumerate them all cuz… well frankly I don’t remember all the details of such small talk… especially when it amounted to about 14 hours of small talk, as she gave me a crash course on the train system used in Japan, and more or less held my hand through the ticket purchasing procedures, and helped pass the time to boot as she was going in the same direction. I’m still getting used to it, but I seem to be getting the hang of it. She also helped me with the pay phone system in Tokyo… which sucks btw, everyone is on cellphones here so pay phones are very much a thing of the past, but I have no choice as I won’t get my cellphone for a few more days. We said our farewells at Tokyo Station where I got off to connect to my next train, the Chuo-line, what has so far been my lifeline to Tokyo as my hotel is right next to the station in Musashisakai.
I was able to get in contact with Yuta. At this point the jetlag was hitting me pretty hard. The pay phone definitely didn’t help because we decided to hang out in Shinjuku and we decided to meet at the EAST Entrance to Shinjuku Station. I couldn’t find the EAST entrance so I hung out at the SOUTHEAST exit and the SOUTH exit until I finally discovered (quite some time later) that the entrance did in fact exist, and I was about a block away from it… because Shinjuku Station is underneath a freaking MALL… and the old man at the Southeast exit train booth was like “Denwa nai desu” ‘X’-ing his hands so I couldn’t tell Yuta where I was exactly. I ran to the right exit when I discovered this and it turned out the East exit is freaking enormous…. which is funny because I got in to the exit through an alleyway which was this puny thing that smelled of urine and even housed two homeless guys. Talking to the guys at this exit was much better as they were a little better with the whole shitty Japanese/English combo and even let me into the station to make the call.
Caught up with Yuta, ate some Ramen… rather I ate, he drank as he had some business prior with some other friends, and caught up. For those of you that are curious as to how he’s doing, he’s not doing bad here in Japan. In terms of taiko, I think he’s doing amazing things, but at the same time I don’t feel as if what he’s doing is that far beyond my reach. By no means am I anywhere near as talented as he is… its just that I can sort of relate to his experience and that it is not so far above and beyond what I have seen in taiko that I feel like I’m talking to a celebrity.
My next stop is a ginko to ensure that I have enough cash for later, and then Asakusa. As much as I should take pictures… I don’t feel like being all touristy right now, so I’ll refrain. Something that I noted in a previous entry to my paper journal (where I’m keeping track of stuff) is that I don’t seem to feel that sort of excitement that one feels about embarking on an adventure. One way of looking at it is that to me life is an adventure at this point. I certainly don’t want it to end although it seems like an end to sort of free lifestyle might be in sight. I did crazy shit as early as last summer where I traveled some 3000 miles in a month, 3 plane rides to the great North West, and 1 solo drive to freaking Corvallis. Another way of looking at it stems from a conversation I had with this one lady awhile back where she was like… maybe you’re a Japanese person reincarnated. She’s funny though and one should take that with a grain of salt especially when she follows up with, I think I used to be Native American… amazing. I have no idea what I was in my previous life (probably a caterpillar that got stepped on by a moose), but it sort of feels like I’m coming home even though I’ve never been here before. By no means is Tokyo the same as San Diego or Los Angeles, and I certainly feel like a foreigner here, but at the same time I don’t. Japanese is something I’ve pretty much heard on a daily basis for the last 7 years as my primary source of entertainment: anime (otherwise known as TV) and music, and my experience in Paris with the metro has given me a primer or foundation to work the train system here in Tokyo… so while I certainly feel lost slowly getting used to the names and Kanji here, I feel much more at home and much more grounded than I probably should.
I guess that kind of leads in to the next topic… which is much more theoretical by nature and much more related to ethnic studies, but I think I’ll just grab a bit of granola and try to catch a few more z’s. Hopefully I will be up to discussing it later as it is pretty important… dealing with my own terms with this vague notion of a national identity… which more and more… I feel like I don’t have.
The trip started off at LAX. I was a bit apprehensive about United as I’ve had trouble with them in that past, but the flight from LAX to SFO went without a hitch. We departed on time. We arrived on time. There were a heck of a lot of kids. It felt like a freaking day care with a group of obnoxious snot nosed what looked like 7th and 8th graders (maybe freshmen in high school… freaking kids get younger and younger every day) that I hoped I wouldn’t see later on as per their chaperone’s conversation with the flight attendant; they were flying to SFO to connect to an international flight to.
I made a lot of friends on the plane. My neighbor, a rather burly… asian? I don’t know… guy named Felix was off to Edinburg to hang with his girlfriend whom he graduated from USC with, him in some sort of broadcast communications, her in something that led her to law school. I remember it was a somewhat non-typical path to law school. He wore a thick ass suede leather jacket. Looked nice as hell… and about as hot to boot in the very temperate Californian weather.
Behind me was a guy getting to know a Swedish girl… it seemed kind of shady… but had something to do with Santa Barbara… sigh… I really shouldn’t listen in on people’s conversations… but I can’t help it when the guy’s blasting away.
People seemed pretty friendly, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the baseball cap. Waiting for the shuttle transfer to the international terminal at SFO wasn’t too bad… no impatient people pushing and shoving to get to their next flight, the guy behind me was like “did we make it?” as the bigass group of kids and chaperone took the last seats available on that shuttle… and he follows with “no… we didn’t make it…” the attendant tells us to wait a bit… and we hang.
I see the guy later as I miraculously am able to grab a bite to eat and we nod in mutual acknowledgement of having passed this rather innocuous trial, this right to continue our journeys. Adventures are always fun.
By the way… the gate for the Japan flight… abound with tons of hot girls… and it only gets better the closer I get to the country.
One thing that I know I’m pretty good at is that I can remember people… where I’ve seen them and how long has elapsed since I’ve last seen them. Obviously the system isn’t perfect, there are a fair number of people that have slipped through the net when I’m online… but I’m pretty good at remembering faces… I don’t think I’ll be forgetting these people any time soon… granted I don’t really remember that one Ukrainian girl I drove to a rather shady setup in Escondido to help my German sub-letter help his newfound friend… its prolly my first glimpse at the type of human trafficking that still occurs in the US… granted I don’t think it was anything illegal… but it was definitely shady business. However I digress.
After lunch I boarded the plane… which had already been half way boarded so the gate was empty. There was no one just milling around waiting to get on an overcrowded flight. The pressure to just move bodies someplace was absent and people seemed to actually be treated like people should be when embarking on such a trip.
My carryon was huge. I got to my seat and this lady was totally setting up her personal space in my seat and she even went so far as to ask me to help her put her luggage up in the bin. It wasn’t until after a minute of her continuing on with her space that I had to intervene and claim my seat. She turned out to be a researcher working on statistical analysis of the TOEFL at Tokai University and had just returned from her sabbatical at Cambridge, and more importantly, my first newfound friend in Japan. We talked about a ton of topics and I won’t enumerate them all cuz… well frankly I don’t remember all the details of such small talk… especially when it amounted to about 14 hours of small talk, as she gave me a crash course on the train system used in Japan, and more or less held my hand through the ticket purchasing procedures, and helped pass the time to boot as she was going in the same direction. I’m still getting used to it, but I seem to be getting the hang of it. She also helped me with the pay phone system in Tokyo… which sucks btw, everyone is on cellphones here so pay phones are very much a thing of the past, but I have no choice as I won’t get my cellphone for a few more days. We said our farewells at Tokyo Station where I got off to connect to my next train, the Chuo-line, what has so far been my lifeline to Tokyo as my hotel is right next to the station in Musashisakai.
I was able to get in contact with Yuta. At this point the jetlag was hitting me pretty hard. The pay phone definitely didn’t help because we decided to hang out in Shinjuku and we decided to meet at the EAST Entrance to Shinjuku Station. I couldn’t find the EAST entrance so I hung out at the SOUTHEAST exit and the SOUTH exit until I finally discovered (quite some time later) that the entrance did in fact exist, and I was about a block away from it… because Shinjuku Station is underneath a freaking MALL… and the old man at the Southeast exit train booth was like “Denwa nai desu” ‘X’-ing his hands so I couldn’t tell Yuta where I was exactly. I ran to the right exit when I discovered this and it turned out the East exit is freaking enormous…. which is funny because I got in to the exit through an alleyway which was this puny thing that smelled of urine and even housed two homeless guys. Talking to the guys at this exit was much better as they were a little better with the whole shitty Japanese/English combo and even let me into the station to make the call.
Caught up with Yuta, ate some Ramen… rather I ate, he drank as he had some business prior with some other friends, and caught up. For those of you that are curious as to how he’s doing, he’s not doing bad here in Japan. In terms of taiko, I think he’s doing amazing things, but at the same time I don’t feel as if what he’s doing is that far beyond my reach. By no means am I anywhere near as talented as he is… its just that I can sort of relate to his experience and that it is not so far above and beyond what I have seen in taiko that I feel like I’m talking to a celebrity.
My next stop is a ginko to ensure that I have enough cash for later, and then Asakusa. As much as I should take pictures… I don’t feel like being all touristy right now, so I’ll refrain. Something that I noted in a previous entry to my paper journal (where I’m keeping track of stuff) is that I don’t seem to feel that sort of excitement that one feels about embarking on an adventure. One way of looking at it is that to me life is an adventure at this point. I certainly don’t want it to end although it seems like an end to sort of free lifestyle might be in sight. I did crazy shit as early as last summer where I traveled some 3000 miles in a month, 3 plane rides to the great North West, and 1 solo drive to freaking Corvallis. Another way of looking at it stems from a conversation I had with this one lady awhile back where she was like… maybe you’re a Japanese person reincarnated. She’s funny though and one should take that with a grain of salt especially when she follows up with, I think I used to be Native American… amazing. I have no idea what I was in my previous life (probably a caterpillar that got stepped on by a moose), but it sort of feels like I’m coming home even though I’ve never been here before. By no means is Tokyo the same as San Diego or Los Angeles, and I certainly feel like a foreigner here, but at the same time I don’t. Japanese is something I’ve pretty much heard on a daily basis for the last 7 years as my primary source of entertainment: anime (otherwise known as TV) and music, and my experience in Paris with the metro has given me a primer or foundation to work the train system here in Tokyo… so while I certainly feel lost slowly getting used to the names and Kanji here, I feel much more at home and much more grounded than I probably should.
I guess that kind of leads in to the next topic… which is much more theoretical by nature and much more related to ethnic studies, but I think I’ll just grab a bit of granola and try to catch a few more z’s. Hopefully I will be up to discussing it later as it is pretty important… dealing with my own terms with this vague notion of a national identity… which more and more… I feel like I don’t have.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I'm leaving on a Jet Plane...
Don't know when I'll be back again...
Good Bye America...
I hope to get a few good upgrades while I'm away.
Internet blackout begins now unless I can get some online time at the airport (last time it was still pay to get on...)
Be back in a little less than a week.
Good Bye America...
I hope to get a few good upgrades while I'm away.
Internet blackout begins now unless I can get some online time at the airport (last time it was still pay to get on...)
Be back in a little less than a week.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Separation Anxiety
I think one possible side effect of growing up in a single parent-only child home is that I suffer from separation anxiety.
I don't know how normal it is to take on work even after you've been terminated. Its somewhat justifiable at Scripps as my grade still somewhat depends on this, but after next week it won't matter anymore. In a way its more than simply staying loyal to the job, but I want the transition for my friends to be as smooth as possible. At Scripps this might mean leaving enough notes behind for Chris to follow and a detailed instruction path. In the few short months that he's taken on a full position, the lab has taken on more projects than they have in the past 3 years that I've worked there... so the immediate future will be busy for a long time coming. Perhaps this is because the last 3 years we had most of the work taken care of for us by Bill... but still rationalizing it doesn't make the job any easier.
For my taiko brothers and sisters, the situation doesn't change much. Asayake is taking on an endeavor greater than they ever have in the past. The group has changed much since I first started my taiko career and it pains me to leave them when they have so much to do this quarter, but alas my own path beckons. I'm envious of you guys... the concert will be an incredible experience that I have yet to take a part of, I wish I could at least be there to see you guys shine. I've done everything within reason to try to push the group as any one person (especially one who holds no explicit authority) can do. Seeing the group pull together for this ordeal is heartening though. Taiko is in strong hands... I look forward to great things.
Send me pictures.
I don't know how normal it is to take on work even after you've been terminated. Its somewhat justifiable at Scripps as my grade still somewhat depends on this, but after next week it won't matter anymore. In a way its more than simply staying loyal to the job, but I want the transition for my friends to be as smooth as possible. At Scripps this might mean leaving enough notes behind for Chris to follow and a detailed instruction path. In the few short months that he's taken on a full position, the lab has taken on more projects than they have in the past 3 years that I've worked there... so the immediate future will be busy for a long time coming. Perhaps this is because the last 3 years we had most of the work taken care of for us by Bill... but still rationalizing it doesn't make the job any easier.
For my taiko brothers and sisters, the situation doesn't change much. Asayake is taking on an endeavor greater than they ever have in the past. The group has changed much since I first started my taiko career and it pains me to leave them when they have so much to do this quarter, but alas my own path beckons. I'm envious of you guys... the concert will be an incredible experience that I have yet to take a part of, I wish I could at least be there to see you guys shine. I've done everything within reason to try to push the group as any one person (especially one who holds no explicit authority) can do. Seeing the group pull together for this ordeal is heartening though. Taiko is in strong hands... I look forward to great things.
Send me pictures.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Settling down
definitely had the whole settling down talk with the father...
sigh... now I feel old.
Although I can't say I agree with his life plans for me. I won't elaborate any more than that, I gotta get back to transforming my room into a storage shed.
I've got a closet literally full of books. It actually makes me kind of happy. Its always been my dream to have a library... and while I can't say its much of one... its slowly turning into one. I think I might actually have around 200 or so books.
I'm such a book whore.
sigh... now I feel old.
Although I can't say I agree with his life plans for me. I won't elaborate any more than that, I gotta get back to transforming my room into a storage shed.
I've got a closet literally full of books. It actually makes me kind of happy. Its always been my dream to have a library... and while I can't say its much of one... its slowly turning into one. I think I might actually have around 200 or so books.
I'm such a book whore.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Pandora
Instead of studying... which I really should be doing... I've cooked, watched anime, and found something exciting...
www.pandora.com
It won't cover enough of the music I listen to regularly, but I'm slowly starting to grow out of otaku music.
www.pandora.com
It won't cover enough of the music I listen to regularly, but I'm slowly starting to grow out of otaku music.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
L.B. who are you?
Its funny. I wrote about how I encode my secrets in poetry... apparently I lost the key for the last time I had the courage to post up a piece of past that I don't want other people to know about.
Oh well... that's what dreams are for... they make you remember crap a certain way... and then you forget it ever happened.
4:46AM
Couldn't get back to sleep... but I found the key... ha ha... its one of those friendships that are probably meant to last a long time, but you don't know why... especially considering how much we've fought in the past.
Oh well... that's what dreams are for... they make you remember crap a certain way... and then you forget it ever happened.
4:46AM
Couldn't get back to sleep... but I found the key... ha ha... its one of those friendships that are probably meant to last a long time, but you don't know why... especially considering how much we've fought in the past.
What is Friendship?
I was having one bizarre dream just now where I started to meet up with old friends again. It started off with a long journey home. I started off by myself on foot. Spent the night at a fictitious relative's place where I played with their fictitious children. Caught an airplane to some unknown destination, but while I was at it, I became a part of Hillary Clinton's campaign and they asked me to write a speech for her. Yeah, that part was retarded, I don't know where it came from especially since I back Obama.
Then I started running into old friends. I often times think back on how I've related to people in the past and more often than not I'm very grateful for the experience. Every once in awhile it makes me incredibly lonely since I miss you guys... even the ones I see every day... right now. While in this dream though I ran into you and in our lighthearted banter the dream itself became distorted and I woke up with an empty feeling that drove me back to my journal (here). I thought I might be able to write a poem as I often encode my secrets, especially while half awake, in poetry but its just not coming to me right now. I wonder why...
I thought we had a great thing going for the longest time, but a few things happened that made me much less comfortable around you afterwards. I'll enumerate these experiences moreso as a warning to my future self than the few who read my infrequent and awkward posts and to an even lesser extent, you... we don't talk anymore anyways so we're out of touch.
1.
The first time I realized that you exist was way back when you started dating a close friend of mine. If I remember right, it started off with the whole "wow, she's cute... wish I had gotten to know her first." but as your feelings grew for each other I backed away. Fast forward a few years when our friendship sparks up again from virtually nothing, and in doing so I really wonder what you think of me behind this mask of friendship. Do I have a chance with you? But I buried my feelings for our friendship. Honestly though, everytime our conversation stopped and you caught me just staring at you at a loss for words... it wasn't because I had anything to say, I was just admiring how beautiful you are. But I was happy with our random dates and conversations.
2.
Fast forward a few more years. You're leaving the country. Its funny how the tables have turned at this point because now I'm leaving the country... but back to the topic.
I'm sorry.
When you were having your doubts about leaving, I pushed my dreams and aspirations for traveling abroad upon you. When you felt held back by your ties at home, I pushed you forward to accomplish those fleeting dreams and aspirations I was so certain that you had... after all, you went and applied for this thing on your own.
I really shouldn't have told you to go.
In the end, separation anxiety took over all rational thought and I regretted not ever having done those retarded lovey dovey things with you.
I really shouldn't have told you I liked you either...
because I'm sure it made your departure that much more awkward. I'm sorry for being so weak, really I am... because everything since then has been unbearable with you.
3.
I hated how infrequently we spoke while you were abroad. Something that really made you special was that we actually conversed via phone. Honestly, that kind of relationship is pretty special to me as I do it with so few people. Its been so long since I've had a good phone conversation with anyone. Maybe that's why I dreamt of you. More than that though, it made me realize how little you thought of me. Over the years of dialogue that we shared, one of the recurring themes was about how we shed all our old friends for new ones. I was always a little shocked by how easily you could put your past behind you, but perhaps its better that you can. Having friends that have gone through bad breakups and spent years getting through it... why do I encounter so many of these stories...? The longer you stayed away, the less we spoke. I really wish we had; although I'm sure you wanted to pretend that night never happened the lack of any substantial dialogue marginalized what we had left, as though I was hanging on by a thread from becoming a part of your oblivious past.
When you finally came home, you had changed. I thought it was because you were still getting used to being home, but I couldn't shake the feeling that you just didn't care about me anymore so I let go of that thread. I see opportunities to say hi to you from time to time... and while I want to, I refrain because I'm fairly certain I fabricated all the nuanced elements of our experiences together. Its those nuances that make me remember and cherish the fact that those experiences even happened.
It just makes me even lonelier knowing that you've forgotten about me,
but you see... I'm used to this thing called loneliness...
really i am...
Then I started running into old friends. I often times think back on how I've related to people in the past and more often than not I'm very grateful for the experience. Every once in awhile it makes me incredibly lonely since I miss you guys... even the ones I see every day... right now. While in this dream though I ran into you and in our lighthearted banter the dream itself became distorted and I woke up with an empty feeling that drove me back to my journal (here). I thought I might be able to write a poem as I often encode my secrets, especially while half awake, in poetry but its just not coming to me right now. I wonder why...
I thought we had a great thing going for the longest time, but a few things happened that made me much less comfortable around you afterwards. I'll enumerate these experiences moreso as a warning to my future self than the few who read my infrequent and awkward posts and to an even lesser extent, you... we don't talk anymore anyways so we're out of touch.
1.
The first time I realized that you exist was way back when you started dating a close friend of mine. If I remember right, it started off with the whole "wow, she's cute... wish I had gotten to know her first." but as your feelings grew for each other I backed away. Fast forward a few years when our friendship sparks up again from virtually nothing, and in doing so I really wonder what you think of me behind this mask of friendship. Do I have a chance with you? But I buried my feelings for our friendship. Honestly though, everytime our conversation stopped and you caught me just staring at you at a loss for words... it wasn't because I had anything to say, I was just admiring how beautiful you are. But I was happy with our random dates and conversations.
2.
Fast forward a few more years. You're leaving the country. Its funny how the tables have turned at this point because now I'm leaving the country... but back to the topic.
I'm sorry.
When you were having your doubts about leaving, I pushed my dreams and aspirations for traveling abroad upon you. When you felt held back by your ties at home, I pushed you forward to accomplish those fleeting dreams and aspirations I was so certain that you had... after all, you went and applied for this thing on your own.
I really shouldn't have told you to go.
In the end, separation anxiety took over all rational thought and I regretted not ever having done those retarded lovey dovey things with you.
I really shouldn't have told you I liked you either...
because I'm sure it made your departure that much more awkward. I'm sorry for being so weak, really I am... because everything since then has been unbearable with you.
3.
I hated how infrequently we spoke while you were abroad. Something that really made you special was that we actually conversed via phone. Honestly, that kind of relationship is pretty special to me as I do it with so few people. Its been so long since I've had a good phone conversation with anyone. Maybe that's why I dreamt of you. More than that though, it made me realize how little you thought of me. Over the years of dialogue that we shared, one of the recurring themes was about how we shed all our old friends for new ones. I was always a little shocked by how easily you could put your past behind you, but perhaps its better that you can. Having friends that have gone through bad breakups and spent years getting through it... why do I encounter so many of these stories...? The longer you stayed away, the less we spoke. I really wish we had; although I'm sure you wanted to pretend that night never happened the lack of any substantial dialogue marginalized what we had left, as though I was hanging on by a thread from becoming a part of your oblivious past.
When you finally came home, you had changed. I thought it was because you were still getting used to being home, but I couldn't shake the feeling that you just didn't care about me anymore so I let go of that thread. I see opportunities to say hi to you from time to time... and while I want to, I refrain because I'm fairly certain I fabricated all the nuanced elements of our experiences together. Its those nuances that make me remember and cherish the fact that those experiences even happened.
It just makes me even lonelier knowing that you've forgotten about me,
but you see... I'm used to this thing called loneliness...
really i am...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Words falling on deaf ears...
heh... what a serious sounding title, but really i don't know what to call this because I just felt like jotting down some of today's thoughts because i need to share (I've spent way too much time by myself and in the lab the last few days)
Last night I one of the scariest and most comical nightmares ever... I got shot at by communists while I was driving in Mission bay. I also got the angry why the hell did you sleep right after you ate a big greasy meal twice in the last 36 hours too. I think sleeping right after eating gives me nightmares and makes me wake up feeling bloated... so for you kiddies that like doing that, I'd suggest you stop before it become a habit because when you get old like me... it won't be pretty.
Some additional thoughts. I have this pipe dream of getting a job doing real research in Japan... I don't know why I stick by it or why I even share such an unlikely dream with the people I come across, but I do... It probably makes me seem really ungrounded which can be dangerous for an engineer.
I'm not sure what the future has in store for me anymore. I feel really outclassed by my peers even in the realm of research... I'm not really sure how I'm going to succeed and its scary, but we'll see, really the only thing I can do (I think) is stride forward with my eyes open and take in as much as I can. I might get lucky.
meh... had a long talk with mitch about taiko... but that can be saved for later or a more direct interaction with the group... I just got busy reading abstracts for this upcoming convention I want to go to... later.
Last night I one of the scariest and most comical nightmares ever... I got shot at by communists while I was driving in Mission bay. I also got the angry why the hell did you sleep right after you ate a big greasy meal twice in the last 36 hours too. I think sleeping right after eating gives me nightmares and makes me wake up feeling bloated... so for you kiddies that like doing that, I'd suggest you stop before it become a habit because when you get old like me... it won't be pretty.
Some additional thoughts. I have this pipe dream of getting a job doing real research in Japan... I don't know why I stick by it or why I even share such an unlikely dream with the people I come across, but I do... It probably makes me seem really ungrounded which can be dangerous for an engineer.
I'm not sure what the future has in store for me anymore. I feel really outclassed by my peers even in the realm of research... I'm not really sure how I'm going to succeed and its scary, but we'll see, really the only thing I can do (I think) is stride forward with my eyes open and take in as much as I can. I might get lucky.
meh... had a long talk with mitch about taiko... but that can be saved for later or a more direct interaction with the group... I just got busy reading abstracts for this upcoming convention I want to go to... later.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Burned
I think my body and brain just punished me for getting a little too excited over work. I was only half awake for most of the morning. Played some taiko, and ate a lonely lunch at Sakura's... came back with a small food coma (I actually ate the whole bento... its crazy i know) and passed out for a few hours... time for work... although the chirashi is punishing me for eating and sleeping too... so uncomfortable.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
And why do people fall, Bruce?
I had a surprise talk with Shadi today about the time I've spent at the Wang lab. One of the things that we covered was recognizing, acknowledging, and then analyzing the quality of my research experience and to be short, the experience was rather unsatisfying.
One thing that would have helped a lot would have been getting more aide from my mentor and my peers... especially my peers. Its one thing that I have avoided my entire stay at UCSD and it has certainly been a detriment to the quality of education I have received. Another thing would be to have followed someone's footsteps for much longer than I did, but that goes hand in hand with the whole getting help.
There is obviously a lot more to the 45 minute talk that we had, but they were topics that I've covered before with people, how to deal with this feeling of being lost. Staying on track with research oriented goals and keeping in contact with the research community when I'm out in the industry will be essential to keeping me on this track. Going into industry is dangerous to my research path. At the stage that I'm in where I don't have a clear goal to pursue, a clear field that I can call home, I am not willing to waste my time hopping from department to department or settling into a topic that I can't be passionate about.
I learned a few things today. 1. Keep in contact with people that can and will help me. They are my lifeline to staying afloat especially after taking my maverick personality into account. 2. Don't lose sight of my ambition and the reasons for whatever my vision is. 3. Take graduate level courses through extension or whatever to keep my scholastic edge sharp. 4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I've been trying to diminish my ego over these years. Its funny how I still get these random flare ups. Rather, its something that I'm still struggling to control, this whole inability to seek advice and aide in the things that really count. Fortunately things are improving... but sometimes I look back and think... fuck why didn't I see it?
Some things I need to do: Initiate contact with the study center in Japan to talk about the possibility of doing a maverick research project completely outside of science. Also, keep in contact with Joe Esherick, and keep him posted on my studies of Lu Xun. Talk to Paul Yu about pairing up with a professor in optics at Tohoku. I'm not supposed to be able to pick a group to join, but perhaps I can talk to some faculty to swing me into their group so I can make the most of my stay there and improve my chances of actually accomplishing something meaningful in my field during my short stay there. Talk to Daniel Arovas about the paper that I am a part of. See where its at and really make an effort in getting the damn thing published. I might have to deal with his weariness and criticism of me, but every relationship has its rough spots to work out, and this is no different. Lastly, I am starting to feel lost with my current project. With my two mentors currently unavailable, I have some sense of what I need to do, but the timeline is not set or structured. I need to talk to them about it even if I can't get a good report about how things are going at the moment. Lastly, another resource would be Professor Driscoll. Asking about the transition from theoretical physics to experimental physics, and more importantly, how to deal with the dangers of over-diversification.
Outside of research, I'm dealing with tying up loose ends in San Diego. I may or may not come back. My pipedream of finding work in Japan seems dim. After talking to Larry, Japan probably isn't a good fit for me in terms of a career. His view of industry in Japan is very production oriented and invariably bureaucratic, and I'll most likely suffer from that type of environment. I might get lucky, but the chances of me finding something viable has become even smaller. Lastly... I haven't completely given up on my love life in San Diego yet... but given the situation of every other aspect of my life right now... my departure from the states without romantic ties seems likely. Perhaps this is for the better.
One thing that would have helped a lot would have been getting more aide from my mentor and my peers... especially my peers. Its one thing that I have avoided my entire stay at UCSD and it has certainly been a detriment to the quality of education I have received. Another thing would be to have followed someone's footsteps for much longer than I did, but that goes hand in hand with the whole getting help.
There is obviously a lot more to the 45 minute talk that we had, but they were topics that I've covered before with people, how to deal with this feeling of being lost. Staying on track with research oriented goals and keeping in contact with the research community when I'm out in the industry will be essential to keeping me on this track. Going into industry is dangerous to my research path. At the stage that I'm in where I don't have a clear goal to pursue, a clear field that I can call home, I am not willing to waste my time hopping from department to department or settling into a topic that I can't be passionate about.
I learned a few things today. 1. Keep in contact with people that can and will help me. They are my lifeline to staying afloat especially after taking my maverick personality into account. 2. Don't lose sight of my ambition and the reasons for whatever my vision is. 3. Take graduate level courses through extension or whatever to keep my scholastic edge sharp. 4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I've been trying to diminish my ego over these years. Its funny how I still get these random flare ups. Rather, its something that I'm still struggling to control, this whole inability to seek advice and aide in the things that really count. Fortunately things are improving... but sometimes I look back and think... fuck why didn't I see it?
Some things I need to do: Initiate contact with the study center in Japan to talk about the possibility of doing a maverick research project completely outside of science. Also, keep in contact with Joe Esherick, and keep him posted on my studies of Lu Xun. Talk to Paul Yu about pairing up with a professor in optics at Tohoku. I'm not supposed to be able to pick a group to join, but perhaps I can talk to some faculty to swing me into their group so I can make the most of my stay there and improve my chances of actually accomplishing something meaningful in my field during my short stay there. Talk to Daniel Arovas about the paper that I am a part of. See where its at and really make an effort in getting the damn thing published. I might have to deal with his weariness and criticism of me, but every relationship has its rough spots to work out, and this is no different. Lastly, I am starting to feel lost with my current project. With my two mentors currently unavailable, I have some sense of what I need to do, but the timeline is not set or structured. I need to talk to them about it even if I can't get a good report about how things are going at the moment. Lastly, another resource would be Professor Driscoll. Asking about the transition from theoretical physics to experimental physics, and more importantly, how to deal with the dangers of over-diversification.
Outside of research, I'm dealing with tying up loose ends in San Diego. I may or may not come back. My pipedream of finding work in Japan seems dim. After talking to Larry, Japan probably isn't a good fit for me in terms of a career. His view of industry in Japan is very production oriented and invariably bureaucratic, and I'll most likely suffer from that type of environment. I might get lucky, but the chances of me finding something viable has become even smaller. Lastly... I haven't completely given up on my love life in San Diego yet... but given the situation of every other aspect of my life right now... my departure from the states without romantic ties seems likely. Perhaps this is for the better.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
The New Year
A thought just occurred to me. Maybe its meaningless.
Last year was all about coping with what was a tumultuous year. This year seems to be more about patience. To be able to relate with people with even less ego than before. Certain events last year made my personality more abrasive, more ready to fight, and more likely to not like what I hear.
Its starting to affect the way I relate to people and I can't say I'm a fan of the change. Not like having an upfront personality is a bad thing, but I'm starting to lose the ability to listen to people. Granted I haven't been very good at it from the start, but I'd like to say I have been improving and I'd rather not regress to my anti-social self pushing everyone away and living with superficial interactions with those around me.
Last year was all about coping with what was a tumultuous year. This year seems to be more about patience. To be able to relate with people with even less ego than before. Certain events last year made my personality more abrasive, more ready to fight, and more likely to not like what I hear.
Its starting to affect the way I relate to people and I can't say I'm a fan of the change. Not like having an upfront personality is a bad thing, but I'm starting to lose the ability to listen to people. Granted I haven't been very good at it from the start, but I'd like to say I have been improving and I'd rather not regress to my anti-social self pushing everyone away and living with superficial interactions with those around me.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Strained
Bah... never mind... I don't think I'll remember what this post is supposed to be about even if I look back on it.
Yeah... this whole bleeding thing is getting old...
Yeah... this whole bleeding thing is getting old...
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